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I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace

After a very rough day, I was relaxing with a glass of Riesling and watching the NCAA Women’s Tourney. I got a text from a good friend telling me that she planned to unplug for a few days because she was going through a tough time. She was growing impatient with some changes she wanted to come about in her life.  Even though I had hung a “Don’t Disturb This Groove” sign on my door, being the super friend that I am, I offered my ear if she needed it. After all, she was the only person, besides my Mom, who was really there for me when I was going through some trying times last year.

As we talked, she shared how she has been having a rough couple of days dealing with overwhelming pangs of lonlieness. She has long been ready to meet that special someone and commence to birthing his babies. She wondered why Mr. Right kept taking a detour right before he got to her doorstep.  She was ready for love and. In addition, although she wouldn’t admit it, I knew a part of her is also still hurting at the fact that the man she thought she was supposed to end up with is getting married this month. Obviously, she wasn’t invited and will have to sing “Congratulations” from afar.

She’s also dealing with a lot of her friends getting engaged, married, and pregnant.  When would it be her turn? She felt bad for even thinking it, but so many of her friends that are coupled up hadn’t been doing right…whatever right is…not that she should be the one to judge.

I listened and empathized – to a degree. Over the past few months, I’ve noticed a shift in my own mindset – not something I’ve been consciously working on. For the past few years, I’ve been focused on sowing my royal wild oats. Looking like this, slowed my flow a tad in my early 20s. Lately, I definitely see that I’m starting to think differently. Lizz Wright’s “When I See Love” often plays randomly in my head. I think it’s also because I finally have real life examples of good relationships that are working. I’m starting to come around and think the same just might be possible for me (though I still think my wedding song will be Van Hunt’s “Down Here in Hell (With You)”…but that’s another post).  I’m still working all that out in therapy.

Where we differ is that I don’t find myself dwelling on it. My singleness doesn’t keep me up at night. Now full disclosure here: I could probably snap my fingers right now and be in a relationship with not one, but two men that could potentially lead to marriage. These are good men…for someone else. Vivrant Thang has a pretty clear picture of the attributes “the one for ME” should have. I won’t settle.

I can’t spend my time obsessing about when he’s going to come into my life. I gotta keep on living…and that’s what I want to make sure that she does. She has a lot going for her…new business venture, grad school, travel, certification exam prep. I told her she knows good and damn well that when he does come walking through that door, all of that stuff will fall by the wayside. She’d be too busy hugged up, frying chicken and shit. (She’s all domestic). All the things she’s trying to accomplish would become secondary.

I remember when I was last involved. Particularly in the beginning, all I wanted to do was be in his face. All I was thinking about was planning things for us to do, not things I needed to do – beyond my basic responsibilities of course. At some point, you try to find that balance. But that takes a while when love is new. I advised her that as a single woman, the last time in her life when it’s truly all about her, she needed to focus on her and getting things done.

It’s hard, if not impossible, to control your feelings. We’re not meant to be alone and if you are, loneliness is inevitable. (Hell, you can be lonely even when someone is around. Another post for another day). You have no control over when (and even if!) the right person will show up, but you do have control over how you spend your time until you meet them.

Nothing wrong with being ready for love. Just make sure you are ready when it shows up.

I am ready for love
If you’ll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can

For those of you still “living the single life,” how are you spending your time while you “wait for love?”