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amel larrieux earn my affections, black love relationships, black relationships, independent women, single women, women an dating isses
You got to
earn my affection
put your back into it
before we get this show on the road
don’t make me
lose all my self respect
I ain’t desperate yet so
come on now stop actin’ out and act like you know
Last week I listened in on CreoleinDC’s online talk show Word On The Curb, The Independent Woman edition. The discussion really got deep as they talked about to negotiate dating as an woman who is used to doing for self and how that plays out with men who ultimately need to be needed.
Long after I logged off, the conversation stayed on my mind. Recently a male friend who I’ve known for several years described me as having a tough exterior but underneath it all, I’m “aight.” Okay, whatever that means! I do have a tough exterior for several reasons but it’s not hard to melt it away with some ack right. When I’m treated right, I respond in kind. It comes natural to me.
I’ve been taking care of self since I was 17. I left home for college and haven’t moved back in with my Momma for even a single day. Not that she would have me 🙂 I’ve never been lucky or unlucky enough (depending on how you look at it) to always have a man around to take care of things for me. I’ve always had to do for self and done it quite well. I live a pretty fortunate life over here compared to some. Mama Viv raised a woman well equipped to handle her business.
I go into automatic pilot when it’s time to take care of things. I navigated the entire homebuying process – on my own. I moved myself twice (once interstate)- again, on my own. I take care of everything related to my household and everyday living- once again, on my own. I don’t have a Daddy, Mommy, family, or even friends to call in the area if I have an immediate need. That’s just how it is. It’s not that I’m so independent that I never felt I could depend on anyone. That’s just my life. So in some ways, I suppose being an “independent” woman for just about half my life has made me a bit of a “hard rock” who appears not to need anybody.
However, underneath that tough exterior, when I do meet a man that is worthy of my time and company, I am more than willing to step back and let him act like a man. In many ways, I expect it. If we’re seeing each other regularly and you’re spending time with me at my home, call me crazy but I should never be carrying the groceries in from the car or taking the trash out. If I need something (and we’re not talking about money for the light bill here), I should be able to depend on you. It’s not that I can’t do all these things. I don’t want to do all these things.
The fact is, I need you. And I’m not ashamed to admit it.
Now some would argue that a man shouldn’t be expected to do any of those things if you’re just dating. What does Amel say?
before we get this show on the road?
How will I know that I want to get the show on the road if you’re not showing me what I can expect down that road? If a dude is acting like a boy while we’re dating, I’m smart enough to know he’s not going to magically morph into a man once I got papers on him.
you set a pretty table and serve me raw meat
ask me to your show but don’t save me a seat
So on that glorious day when I do find a serious candidate for the hard but rewarding job of becoming Mr. Vivrant Thang and we are in “negotiations” about what our expectations are, I will make it clear that there are certain things I’ll “expect” him to take care of if he wants to live happily ever after with me (and he should do the same). Nothing unreasonable.
Bottom line, if he’s a man and he sees how well I respect and treat myself, then it should be natural for him to respond in kind and treat me like a woman…his woman.
However, as I’ve learned, there are times when you have to open up your mouth and ask for what you want.
Some small examples of things that Viv already knows she’ll be putting on the table.
I don’t want to have to worry about my car. I’ll be riding his big-headed kids around. Therefore, it’s his responsibility to make sure it’s clean and running right.
I really don’t want to know what’s going on outside the house with the exception of the gardening. I’ll help out (depending on what it is) but I just don’t want to be primarily responsible for fixing or maintaining anything.
This are just minor examples, nothing I think is unreasonable or out of pocket. Trust me, once a man has put his back into it and truly earned my undying affection, he will move heaven and earth to keep it.
It’s like that. And that’s the way it is.
SONGS IN THE KEY OF LIFE 
You got it right, Ms. Vivrant!
Love the song, love me some Amel.
And basically “ditto” to everything u said. I’ve been takin care of business on my own for a minute now. Not necessarily because I want to, but who else is gon do it? I’d love to share the load, lol, but not with just any ole body. He’s definitely gotta earn it.
Great post!
Wonderful read ! . . . And I agree wholeheartedly ! Fair exchange, no robbery ! And this is coming from a young man ! 🙂
And this is yet another reason why we get along so fabulously… 🙂
AMEN girl, amen.
Right on the money…so much of what I miss, but that is a whole other post.
You hit the nail on the head. Somebody just told me the other morning that I was “mean.” Last year, someone said I wanted to be the man. I responded, “Well, at this rate, Ima have to be my own man, if I want a real one!”
I’m just so used to taking care of everything on my own. Not accustomed to waiting aroung for someone else to make it their responsibility. Hard to sit around while a person talks about ‘what they’re gonna do.’
Well alright now. I’ll take some of that right there. 😉
I personally feel that what has been expressed in this blog is part of the disconnect between black males and females. Trust me, I don’t mean this in a disrespectful manner. From time to time I search blogs like this and find a host of sisters discussing either what they are lacking in a current relationship or what they expect in a future one. While it is certainly acceptable to have expectations, not once have you mentioned what a man could expect from you. Sure you stated that he should have his own set of expectations, but what are they? Furthermore, your claim that “I need you” loses validity when you state previously that, “It’s not that I can’t do all these things. I don’t want to do these things.” And sure, I understand the correlation between the Jill Scott song, though personally I have found her latest contributions lacking the strength of her earlier recordings. And this from a Jill Scott fanatic! I guess what I’m saying here is that your blog, like many that I’ve seen before, can be interpreted by a male reader as a bit arrogant. Okay, it’s wonderful that you have accomplished what you have. It’s even okay that you have expectations. But why is he the only person earning love? If he is truly Mr. Right, and his love has undoubtedly been elusive for a good portion of your life, then why aren’t you more forward with expressing your desire to earn his love also??? Just askin’
@dxq First, thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. No problem with just asking.
I think this is your first time here so you may not be familiar with my writing style and “special” brand of wit. LOL!
There is absolutely nothing arrogant about me. If anything, I don’t toot my horn enough. Bad trait I picked up from my Momma.
The purpose of this particular entry was not for me to lay out what a man can expect from me. As a couple of my regular male readers who commented picked up on, I’m defintitely all about fair exchange. I don’t expect a man to give give give to me and I’m just going to sit back and take take take. I want him to tell me what he expects from me as a partner because I want to be the best wife I can be to the man who is out there for me.
I can’t answer what his expectations should be of me because I haven’t met him. But I do know who I am. I do know that there are ways I’m going to need to grow and adjust when I finally meet the right fit. If that man is for me, I’ll be able to meet his expectations and vice versa. I’m a true believer in when something is for you, it’s for you.
you said:
Furthermore, your claim that “I need you” loses validity when you state previously that, “It’s not that I can’t do all these things. I don’t want to do these things.”
I’m not exactly sure what you’re getting at here and how I lose validity. I said right before that “If I need something (and we’re not talking about money for the light bill here), I should be able to depend on you. It’s not that I can’t do all these things. I don’t want to do all these things.
The fact is, I need you. And I’m not ashamed to admit it.”
What I mean here is that I can do all these things and I’ve been doing all these things but I no longer want to shoulder everything on my own. I have no problem admitting that I want to be able to lean on and depend on the right man. Just as he should be able to need and depend on me. I didn’t elaborate on that because that’s not what this particular blog was about.
I hope I’ve cleared it up for ya. If not, then keep reading. You may have inspired a blog post!
Hello,
I thank you for your response. I think that I understood your point well. Certainly the title of your blog speaks to the purpose. Yet, I’m unsure that you understood mine. To begin, I’m saying that in reading your initial blog, it seems that you are justifying your “expectations” with your success. I’m not the only person who interpretted it as such.
Secondly, and more importantly, many of these “expectations” would be met by any decent man gladly, without demanding them. However, when these acts become formal “expectations” then often things become messy. For example, I believe in chivalry wholeheartedly. From pulling out chairs to opening doors, I do it all! In a former relationship, whenever out on the town, my ex would walk to the passenger side of my car and wait… for me to open the door. Though I knew for certain that had this not been her “expectation”, I would have opened the door for her anyway. I began to hate doing that for her. She cheapened a chivalrous act for me. So that’s when I created a personal counter expectation. In my mind I felt that if I opened the passengers door for her, then she should at least unlock the driver side as I walked to the other side. She didn’t. I realized later that I created this defense mechanism because there was a tension between how I wanted to feel when I treated my mate “like a queen” and what she was “expecting.” While I don’t claim to speak for all, nearly all, and not even most men, I know several of my social circle who have expressed similar thoughts.
Finally, as for the statement when I said that you lose validity, I guess a more accurate statement would be that your “I need you” seems insincere. You do say “If I need something, I should be able to depend on you” Of course this comes after 2 paragraphs of how you’ve done it all by yourself. My point is, “What do you need a man for?” Rhetorically speaking of course.
http://heavingfraps.blogspot.com/2010/03/video-fraps-grumpily-windbreaks.html
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