by vivrant thang on makes me wanna holler
This is your mess
This is your mess
You gotta clean up
This is your mess
This is your mess!
I had been writing this post in my head since last week. After hearing yesterday’s Strawberry Letter on the Steve Harvey Morning Show, I knew that for some reason I needed to hurry and get this post out of my head and into this space. I don’t believe in coincidences.
Here’s the letter:
Good day Mr Harvey and crews. I am a 37 year old woman with 2 daughters, age 14 and 12. I got married when I was 22 years old. In 2005 my husband told me that he was going on vacation with his friends. I suspected that he was lying and went to the airport on his way back and surely he was with another woman. I kicked him out of the bedroom and few days later my parents advised me that to speak to him about therapy which i did. He said to me that he wanted a divorce and he will be moving out of the house in March 2005. He is still in the houseand claimed that he can not afford an apartment and child support at the same time. we don’t have any relationship as husband and wife since 2005 he stays in a spare room in the house. I have met a gentleman this past summer. I explained the situation to him and that he is in the house because we own a house together and for the children. My question to you is this gentleman going to take me seriously or not? I have not giving away the cookie because I really don’t know how he sees me. I must tell you I am self sufficient and don’t need my husband financial support to survive. Please help.
This letter struck a chord with me because I’ve been reflecting on a conversation I had a few weeks ago with a female associate we’ll call Erica. She called me, practically bubbling over about this new guy she met a few months ago. Things were going great and they were already dating regularly, heading towards commitment.
My side-eye started twitching up a storm as she ran her mouth about how good this man was to her and for her. Is Vivrant Thang a hater? Nope. Erica has not one, but two exes still very involved in her life and she encourages their behavior. One feels entitled to pop up at the crib or at her job whenever the mood strikes. The other calls incessantly and actually dumped a girl he was seeing because she had the nerve to get upset about his and Erica’s constant phone conversations. Yes, he would call just to “check in” while they were together. Erica encouraged him to get rid of her, saying she should always come first since they have history.
As I said, she does nothing to discourage their behavior. When she doesn’t want to be bothered, she’ll ignore their calls or pretends she’s not home. Even with this new dude in the picture, she has no plans to tell either of them to beat it. She revels in the fact that they won’t leave her alone and considers them to be just friends.
I think she loves the potential for drama, although surprisingly nothing has ever popped off. It’s like she’s the master puppet and can pull the strings at will to make them both dance or sit in the corner quietly.
My conversation with her got me thinking again about people that court drama and mess. If that’s the way they like to live their lives, fine. However, my issue comes in when you bring someone else into your life knowing it’s messy. Clean your house before you invite somebody in!
Whenever I meet a man, within the first few conversations, I let him know that I live a quiet life. I have absolutely no drama and I expect the same. I can walk into my quiet building every night without looking over my shoulder. No one is blowing my phone up or banging on my door. I’m too old.
So if he got stalkers, baby momma drama, or any other mess going on in his life, get it cleaned up before we get anything started. How could I take a man seriously if he has no control over his life and has a bunch of mess going on?
As for the Strawberry Letter, does she really think the man is going to take the relationship seriously if her ex is still living there? If she’s so self-sufficient, there is no need for him to be there. What real benefit is it to the kids to have two parents in the same house leading separate lives? Absolutely none – and she knows it. It’s all about her insane need to have him there for whatever reason. If she really wanted him gone and out of her life, she would have found a way after three years. She is content to live in her mess and wants to bring this new man into it. Does she really think it’s going to be smooth sailing when she’s dating and her husband sees her with this man? What’s good for the goose is never good for the gander.
I know sometimes there are things beyond a person’s control – drama they don’t encourage or want. It just shows up on their doorstep. I’m not talking about those few folks. However, most people that have a lot of havoc in their lives are doing something, consciously or unconsciously, to court it. All I’m saying is think carefully about taking some time to do some spring cleaning before you invite somebody over. Or you may find yourself with more mess than you can handle.