All I’m saying is
We can be good friends
As long as you realize
That’s all it is
We can hang out sometimes
Dinner and fine wines
If you keep it stress free
Boy you can roll with me

Teedra Moses “Cut Buddy”

At my goal setting meeting yesterday, I presented the first year of actionable steps for my five-year plan. The plan covers many areas including career, spiritual and personal development, finance, and of course relationships. I’ve very tentatively set the goal of being married by age 35….although I’ve already talked about how ambivalent I am about marriage in general. Yes, it’s in the plan to get help with those issues as well!

For this particular goal, one of my actionable steps for year one is to be in a committed relationship by this time next year. (Even as I just typed that, I felt a bit of unease. I got work to do!) Little background here, I ended a relationship in June of this year. It was definitely for the best as I found out who I was really dealing with once things were over. Since then, I’ve decided to remain single and not rush into another relationship. For one thing, being in that particular relationship and feeling the things that I did brought out some stuff that I would be smart to deal with before I put on any man’s ring. Not to mention, at this stage of my life, I don’t see why I would commit again unless it is going to be for keeps. Otherwise, what’s the point?

Throughout my twenties, I never equated singleness to celibacy. I know what “they” say, but I never bought into all that, heathen that I am. My school of thought was that no woman should have to put her record on “Celibacy Blues” if she didn’t want to.

In the past few months since turning 30, I haven’t exactly changed my tune, but this whole cut buddy thing is something I’ve been wrestling with. Probably because the quality of cut buddy material out there gets worse the older you get. I’m just sayin’.

I have another girlfriend, who is somewhat more reserved than me, and is celibate, sort of by choice, because she believes she will block her blessings by having cut buddies instead of waiting on “the one.” She wants to save all her love for him. I don’t knock her for her views and she doesn’t judge me for mine. I feel for her because she’s told me what a struggle it is. Every once in a while, I briefly wonder if she might not be on to something.

Is it really possible to find “the one” while you’re beating time with a cut buddy?

The thing is, while I do hope that Mr. Vivrant Thang finds me, I just can’t see myself choosing to live a celibate lifestyle until he gets here. Just saying the word “celibate” out loud fills me dread. Sort of like “pap smear.”

The stresses of this world
You know how they come down on a girl
I’m trying to clear my mind
But all I seem to find
Is this gangsta,gangsta type of need

Jilly from Philly couldn’t have said it better. I deal with enough stresses in other areas of my life and sometimes there’s no better way to clear your mind. Some days fulfilling that gangsta need may be the only thing that puts a smile on my face.

I do admit that it’s not always easy dealing with men on this level. While there are rules to this, they are not always followed. When they aren’t followed, I am quick to tell a man to keep it moving. Remember, this is supposed to be stress-free. However, I think I would personally be more stressed if I was in a relationship, just to say I was in one, before I was truly ready.

Who knows how long I’ll feel this way? If I’m not on the path to wedded bliss in the next couple of years, will a cut buddy continue to be enough? Will I get to the point that I’m fed up with the “rules” not being followed and decide celibacy *cringe* is less stressful? Only time will tell.

What I do know is that when “Mr. Vivrant Thang” does present himself and we’ve taken the time to make sure we are on the same bus headed in the same direction, I’m perfectly willing to send anyone I’m dealing with a “Dear John” text. Only because apparently, that’s the way it’s done these days!

I’d love to hear what ya’ll think about this topic, whether you agree or disagree. Disagreeing might actually make it more interesting!