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But the other woman will always cry herself to sleep
The other woman will never have his love to keep
And as the years go by the other woman
Will spend her life alone

This is a repost I originally wrote on my Myspace blog a year ago. I hadn’t planned to post this today but I was inspired by the Strawberry Letter 23 read on the Steve Harvey morning show today. I normally don’t listen to his show, but I was flipping stations and happened to catch it. I’ve heard about these soap opera-ish letters they read on the show from listeners seeking advice on impossible situations. I would just link to it but it seems like they change it everyday so here’s an excerpt.

Dear Steve, I am writing this letter because of a current situation in my life. Theres this man in my life and hes actually in the military as of now. I really care about him, i can actually say i love him & i’m pretty sure he feels/felt the same. See, the real drama to the story is HE’s MARRiED! Now i’m no homewrecker or anything like that. I’ve actually never been involved with a married man until now. The story i have from him is basically in order to enter his unnamed branch of military he would have to sign over his immediate rights to their child unless he either A.) didn’t join that branch of military, or B.) married the mother of the child. This man has been straight out honest with me from day one on everything so i have no reason to doubt that someone really told him this.

They married toward the end of last year and he says he wasn’t happy before the marriage and isn’t happy now. Then get this, he says that i am too good for this situation, that i’m not made to be a side girl, that i’m made to be somebodys wife and he can’t give me that at the moment, so he’s gonna remove me from the situation. I argued with him and we resolved it and continued or “relationship”.

A few days later he tried a more dominate approach to get me out of the situation and basically told me he hated me, he didn’t wanna ever hear my voice again, etc. but at that time he stayed on the phone with me for 3 hrs in the early a.m. just listening to me talk & cry. I kept hearing him pause as if he wanted to say i don’t mean these things, i just don’t want you to get hurt, but he didn’t. So we stopped talking. He’s coming home soon and we were supposed to spend the holidays together but now thats been crushed. I really love this man, and am debating if i should contact him before he leaves to come home, even though he told me not to contact him anymore. I feel that he’s putting up a front because he doesn’t want me to be crushed if he eventually decides to stay with his wife, which he actually vocalized in the past. I told him plenty times before that i’m a big girl, i can handle it, and that he is worth the wait, but he refuses to put me through it. In a way i think thats one of the sweetest things i’ve ever seen done, but at the same time i feel that he’s deserted me and given up on our probable chance at real love. I’m going to pray about it and actually just take some time to think deeply and no later than tonight i’m making my decision because he leaves tomorrow. I know this seems dumb, but i really love this man. The reason i’m in such a rush is because after hes home for two weeks, he’s moving to a base clear across from our origin. On the opposite coast of the united states.

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I know, I know.

Steve Harvey hit this woman back with real talk. She might listen, but I doubt she hears him. She’s gone. However, this situation made me remember this post:

I have two friends that are currently playing the position of the “other woman.” I talked with one via e-mail today and she admitted that she was catching feelings. They had deep conversations and he was doing all the cute “boyfriend-like” things. He’d even met her mother. I read between the lines and saw that she was asking me not to judge her, especially since she hadn’t heeded my previous warning that this couldn’t possibly turn out good.

Trust me. I know.

Two close members of my family played the other woman role for years. One even conceived a child with her married man in hopes that his wife would leave him. Where’s he at? With his wife…and barely seeing his child, who happens to be his spitting image. No child is a mistake. I just can’t imagine looking at your son and seeing your former married lover’s face everyday. That has to be painful.

I try not to judge because for one, who am I to do that? Besides, ultimately, grown folks are going to do what they want. I told the other friend that she wouldn’t stop messing with her married man until something really bad happened. She agreed.

When I talk to them about their situations, I try to remain neutral because both of them express regret about what they are doing. They aren’t proud of it, but they are really feeling these dudes. They aren’t dealing with wealthy men so it’s not about golddigging. These men make them feel good. That’s what they get out of it.

As I listen to them talk, I try to understand, although I’m not sure it’s something that is meant to be understood. Hey, I’m no angel. I’ve committed adultry in my head. Passed time on the Metro by mentally undressing a married man or two. I’ve had my fair share of offers. Most recently, a married dude (who wasn’t wearing a ring so I was in the dark at first) spit some pretty good game trying to recruit me to his harem. I listened intently because I like to keep up on how players play.

At one time, I wondered if someone had stuck a sign on my back advertising a freebie to any married men that applied. I guess the one thing that has always kept me from going that route (besides witnessing first hand the pain it caused in my own family) was karma. Years from now, I don’t want Ms. New Booty coming at my husband because of some dirt I did years earlier. What goes up, must come down.

Although as my Momma always says, “If you put p*ssy in a man’s face, he’s gonna eat it.” Yup, that’s real talk from the Pastor’s wife. (I would still like to wear my rose-colored glasses on this one for a while longer). So I know it could happen anyway, but I don’t want to increase the chances. I already know that I am not a woman that can recover from that, especially if we’re married. I’m not trying to be driven crazyderanged like L Boog…errr…Ms. Hill. So I have to admit, those thoughts kept me from crossing the line even when it was HARD…and I mean HARDDD. (Like…Idris Elba hard. Feel me?)

Besides that, I know me. If I really have strong feelings for a man, a piece of his love is not going to be enough. This woman has big appetites that a part-time lover can’t satisfy. Not to mention, my love language is quality time. Playing the side piece gets you very limited quality time. I would imagine it’s particularly hard during the holiday season to be in love with a man for whom you’re a secondary obligation.

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Christmas you weren’t with me
New Year’s Eve you were not around
Valentine’s came and went
Makes me wonder where your time was spent
Fireworks on the Fourth of July
Thanksgiving was another lie
Your family has never met me
And you’ve never met mine, no happy holiday

-No Happy Holidays

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