Tag Archives: relationships

Change For Me?

20 Wednesday Aug 2008

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by  vivrant thang on relationships

I had another post on tap but I got something I just have to get off my chest. Not sure why but bear with me.

Recently, I caught up with a friend I hadn’t seen or talked to in a while. Thankfully social media has enabled us to keep up with the haps in each others lives. So as soon as we sat down for dinner, I couldn’t wait to start grilling her.

“What is the story behind you and ole boy breaking up to make up…to break up?”

In a span of about three months or so, her Myspace/Facebook status message has gone from “In A Relationship” to “Single” then back to “In A Relationship” to now “Single.” I was amused when I saw this because I knew exactly what was happening.

You’ve probably seen those commercials for Restless Leg Syndrome? Well she has Restless Coochie Syndrome. Don’t think they’ve come up with meds for this one yet though. When she first met this dude almost a year ago, she told him straight up that she had never been faithful to any of the men she’s ever been involved with or even engaged to. Never. Not one time.  She told him she didn’t even really even understand monogamy. Doesn’t think it’s natural. She put all her cards on the table from the beginning. She didn’t send her representative. He heard her clearly and didn’t particularly like it. But he – say it with me – thought he could change her. A grown ass 29 year-old man thought he was the one that would finally cure the syndrome. He was so great that this this 25-year old woman, who by her own admission has been pimping since she was a tween, settle down ’til death do they part. Keep in mind she has no desire to change.

Even after the first breakup when he discovered she had been stepping out and made her choose, she tried to convince him that an open relationship could work. I wonder if she illustrated her point by using Ruby and Ossie or Jada and Will? Of course he wasn’t with that and told her that she had to make a choice. At the end of the day, she loved cared deeply for him and didn’t want to lose him. So she kicked whoever she was seeing to the curve and settled back into pseudo-marital bliss.

Then the syndrome flared up again.

This time he resorted to reading her e-mails and found what he was looking for. Now he’s sitting up in his room like Brandy crying and blasting “A House Is Not a Home” and “Cause I Love You.” Pitiful. Did I mention they live together? So this is what she has to come home to every night. No wonder she resurfaced after all this time.

Do I sound callous? I guess I am. He blames her but I told her not to accept that. I remember at the beginning of the relationship when she told me she let him know from day one that she had the syndrome and he still went along with it, I said back then, “Well he deserves whatever he gets.” I still believe that. Apparently, he had intentions of wiving her from the beginning. He went in with that attitude. Somewhere during the course of this relationship, he even brought her a “promise ring.” Why proceed in that manner if someone basically tells you from jump, “I am going to cheat on you and break your heart.”

Because…say it with me, “He thought he could change her.”

Negro please.

Viv, cut the boy some slack!

Okay, I got sympathy for anyone that ends up in heartbreak hotel. You can’t take nothing for that kind of pain. But he has nobody to blame for this but himself. It’s a cold, hard lesson to learn but an important one that I got early. When someone shows you (or tells you!) who they are, you better listen up! Do not think for a second that you can change someone who likes themselves just the way they are.

Whether I respect the way someone lives his life is immaterial. I appreciate when a person is upfront and able to tell me exactly what I am getting myself into. In my last relationship, my ex was so fucked up that he couldn’t tell me who he really was. I was able to read between the lines and see how he was emotionally damaged. But I always knew I couldn’t be the one to change him.

Same goes for a person’s belief system and moral values. I have never judged my friend for what she believes. In many ways, I understand it. Although I could never live that way, I respect her for knowing who she is and telling it up front – whether it’s right or wrong. However, it would seem to be common sense that if your beliefs and morals values don’t line up with a potential, you gotta let it go. Chalk it up as another love tko. You don’t cover up the differences with a promise ring and hope they magically disappear.

Don’t know why this got me so riled up. But I’d love to know what you think. Am I being too hard on the dude? Am I completely off base? Does love make things happen?

Other Woman Revisited

08 Tuesday Jul 2008

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by vivrant thang on other woman

nina_simone.jpg

But the other woman will always cry herself to sleep
The other woman will never have his love to keep
And as the years go by the other woman
Will spend her life alone

The second most popular post behind my top fifty songs list remains “Other Woman,” where I share my views on women becoming involved with married men. Re-reading it now, I think I may have come off a tad bit sanctimonious. Maybe not though, or I would have hoped someone would have called me out on it (respectfully – cause that’s how we do it here). But it was how I felt at the time – and how I still feel.

I’m revisiting the topic now because of something that happened to me recently – or rather an ongoing situation came to a head. Please note that some minor details will be vague or even completely changed to protect the innocent [read: my black ass].

Earlier this year, I started some side work at an organization and have to go up to their offices fairly frequently throughout the week. My first week there, one of the evening staffers took it upon himself to make my acquaintance. He gave me his business card and let me know if I was ever leaving the building late and needed an escort, he was at my service. I realized he was flirting but I just smiled and nodded. He was somewhere in his mid to late fifties and although I joke talk about pulling a sugar daddy, I certainly was not going to look for him in a place I handled business. I don’t shit where I eat. And he certainly was not going to be married.

Over the course of time, on my way out the building in the evenings, I would stop and chat with him and the other night staff. (In case you’re wondering, couldn’t be avoided because I had to pass him to get out.) But it was cool. I’m a social butterfly like that. I just laughed off his comments about me being “the finest woman in the building.” He broke it down for me how I was like “that there Jill Scott and Patti Labelle” – and somebody else I forget – wrapped up into one. Old men got compliments now!

One day he mentioned that he loved to cook – the other man sitting there co-signed that he had skills. I’m always impressed when a man throws down in the kitchen and I told him that. He said he did most of the cooking in the household. Since he knew I was a “Carolina girl,” and loved some down home cooking, he promised to bring some food in for me to sample. I tried to dissuade him, admittedly not very hard. He was bringing a dish that I hadn’t had in years. He brought it in a couple days later and that was the beginning.

Over the next few months, he didn’t let more than a couple of weeks go by without bringing me something he cooked. Often, it was more than enough to eat on for two days and always very artfully arranged. I would always protest – albeit weakly – telling him that he didn’t have to keep doing this. But he said “I gotta take care of you!” I admit, that was music to my ears. There were some nights that I was leaving those offices dead on my feet – mentally and physically. To leave there with that little “care package” and not have to go home and rustle up something to eat was almost as good as coming home to a foot massage and a listening ear.

That’s how it starts isn’t it?

Time passed. I kept laughing off comments about how “if only I wasn’t married….” Whatever. Just bring me my food. I didn’t take it seriously at all. Just jokes. My thoughts were on my stomach, as I allude to here.

Things came to a head recently when the head of a department invited me to an event. Of course ole dude encouraged me to come out as he would be manning the grill and told me I could bring some stuff and he would cook it up for me.

I came out with a friend of mine and sat back while he cooked up the food for me. It was a real nice time until he sat down and started talking. He got onto the topic of relationships – and of course sex. He went on and on about how that was at the top of his list of things important to him and how a man got to take care of business with his tongue.

He was oblivious to me and my girlfriend exchanging not so subtle glances and mocking commentary. I did not respond to what he was saying – not in the way he would have liked. But I didn’t try strongly enough to end the conversation, although it was making me uncomfortable. The whole thing felt wrong and dirty – because it was.

Before I left, he pulled me to the side to make sure I wasn’t offended [read: harassed]. He said he hadn’t meant any harm. I brushed it off and told him we were cool. I left there feeling unsettled – and knowing that was the end of my “care packages.” I always knew the day was coming when the somewhat lighthearted flirting would take a turn. He just had to get me outside of the office.

In the end, I know this is for the best. One of my primary reasons for never getting involved with a married man is that I believe what goes up must come down. If I eva found out the Mister was taking food out of our house to give to some hussy, that would be his ass. There would be hell to pay. So by the same token, I had no right to do the same thing to another woman.

I shared this story with someone who told me that I was leading him on. Although I know there was never a snowball’s chance in hell that he would get anywhere near this, he probably thought he was making strides. That sex talk was testing the waters. While I was filling my belly and perhaps reveling in the attention a bit, he probably thought he was wearing me down.

Admittedly, “taking care of me” is one of the keys to my heart but only a single man could hold that key.

And I’ll be letting him know that in no uncertain terms.

Lesson learned.

Can We TALK?

03 Monday Dec 2007

Posted by in Feeding The Music Jones

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by vivrant thang on living the single life

tevinc.jpg

Can we talk for a minute,
Girl I want to know your name
I started,
To write you letters,
But I wanted,
To be more clever,
I wanted to get down and sweet talk to you

Seems I’m getting a lot of my inspiration from the Steve Harvey Morning Show lately. They did a bit about how men these days don’t know how to talk to women. They don’t have any game, no real conversation. So texting is right up their alley. With texting, they don’t have to really express full thoughts. Or they can say things they don’t have the balls (my word, not theirs) to say face-to-face.

This was humourous to me because it’s something I’ve complained to my girlfriends about before. I’ve had dudes try to get to know me via text – asking me to relay my whole life story. I’ve also had instances where guys tried to have relationship-altering discussions via text. Not! I always shut that down immediately. I’m just not going to get into anything heavy via text. I know it may be a generational thing. Maybe that’s just the way it’s done these days. Call me old-school. You got to call and talk to me about anything serious.

For instance, I had been seeing this guy off and on for over a year. It ended because of something he did and I kept it moving and didn’t look back. One day out the blue, he texts me and says I’ve been on his mind and he just wanted to get that off his chest. That’s getting it off your chest? I couldn’t have been more underwhelmed.

Then there was another dude I was seeing for a while that I had to fire because he was being very inconsistent (the number one way to get shown the door when dealing with me). Again, I kept it moving and didn’t look back. One day out the blue, he texts me to say he got a new cell phone and could he give me a call that evening? How about “no”? Dude, just be a man about it! Pick up the phone and plead your case! Am I asking for too much here? How can I really take you seriously?

I’m just not for serious discussions taking place via text message. You can’t detect tone. You can’t see facial expressions. Actually, I prefer to do these things face to face so I can look into a man’s eyes and observe body language. Author and Washington Post columnist Natalie Moore agrees. Texting is for random asides; quick questions ; naughty thoughts (and even those I prefer to hear). To me, any man that is serious about you is not going to try to carry on the relationship that way. He wants to hear your voice. Nothing made me smile more during the day when the ex would call me randomly to see how my day was going. That’s how you do it.

Can you hear me now?

Good.

Ladies, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Does it make any difference to you whether a dude texts or calls you? Is this just a sign of the times?

Fellas, please chime in too. Am I expecting too much?

Update: Nope, don’t think I’m making too much of it. Therapist and radio talk show host, Audrey Chapman devoted a whole show to the topic, “Is ‘Texting’ Impacting Your Love Life?” featuring Natalie Moore.

Update 1/31: I bet Kwame Kilpatrick wishes he would have just talked to his former Chief of Staff. Caution, playas!

You know I have to end with the video. This joint from Little Tevin Campbell made my “Top 50” list. You know it was the jam!

Other Woman

20 Tuesday Nov 2007

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nina_simone.jpg

But the other woman will always cry herself to sleep
The other woman will never have his love to keep
And as the years go by the other woman
Will spend her life alone

This is a repost I originally wrote on my Myspace blog a year ago. I hadn’t planned to post this today but I was inspired by the Strawberry Letter 23 read on the Steve Harvey morning show today. I normally don’t listen to his show, but I was flipping stations and happened to catch it. I’ve heard about these soap opera-ish letters they read on the show from listeners seeking advice on impossible situations. I would just link to it but it seems like they change it everyday so here’s an excerpt.

Dear Steve, I am writing this letter because of a current situation in my life. Theres this man in my life and hes actually in the military as of now. I really care about him, i can actually say i love him & i’m pretty sure he feels/felt the same. See, the real drama to the story is HE’s MARRiED! Now i’m no homewrecker or anything like that. I’ve actually never been involved with a married man until now. The story i have from him is basically in order to enter his unnamed branch of military he would have to sign over his immediate rights to their child unless he either A.) didn’t join that branch of military, or B.) married the mother of the child. This man has been straight out honest with me from day one on everything so i have no reason to doubt that someone really told him this.

They married toward the end of last year and he says he wasn’t happy before the marriage and isn’t happy now. Then get this, he says that i am too good for this situation, that i’m not made to be a side girl, that i’m made to be somebodys wife and he can’t give me that at the moment, so he’s gonna remove me from the situation. I argued with him and we resolved it and continued or “relationship”.

A few days later he tried a more dominate approach to get me out of the situation and basically told me he hated me, he didn’t wanna ever hear my voice again, etc. but at that time he stayed on the phone with me for 3 hrs in the early a.m. just listening to me talk & cry. I kept hearing him pause as if he wanted to say i don’t mean these things, i just don’t want you to get hurt, but he didn’t. So we stopped talking. He’s coming home soon and we were supposed to spend the holidays together but now thats been crushed. I really love this man, and am debating if i should contact him before he leaves to come home, even though he told me not to contact him anymore. I feel that he’s putting up a front because he doesn’t want me to be crushed if he eventually decides to stay with his wife, which he actually vocalized in the past. I told him plenty times before that i’m a big girl, i can handle it, and that he is worth the wait, but he refuses to put me through it. In a way i think thats one of the sweetest things i’ve ever seen done, but at the same time i feel that he’s deserted me and given up on our probable chance at real love. I’m going to pray about it and actually just take some time to think deeply and no later than tonight i’m making my decision because he leaves tomorrow. I know this seems dumb, but i really love this man. The reason i’m in such a rush is because after hes home for two weeks, he’s moving to a base clear across from our origin. On the opposite coast of the united states.

other_woman.jpg

I know, I know.

Steve Harvey hit this woman back with real talk. She might listen, but I doubt she hears him. She’s gone. However, this situation made me remember this post:

I have two friends that are currently playing the position of the “other woman.” I talked with one via e-mail today and she admitted that she was catching feelings. They had deep conversations and he was doing all the cute “boyfriend-like” things. He’d even met her mother. I read between the lines and saw that she was asking me not to judge her, especially since she hadn’t heeded my previous warning that this couldn’t possibly turn out good.

Trust me. I know.

Two close members of my family played the other woman role for years. One even conceived a child with her married man in hopes that his wife would leave him. Where’s he at? With his wife…and barely seeing his child, who happens to be his spitting image. No child is a mistake. I just can’t imagine looking at your son and seeing your former married lover’s face everyday. That has to be painful.

I try not to judge because for one, who am I to do that? Besides, ultimately, grown folks are going to do what they want. I told the other friend that she wouldn’t stop messing with her married man until something really bad happened. She agreed.

When I talk to them about their situations, I try to remain neutral because both of them express regret about what they are doing. They aren’t proud of it, but they are really feeling these dudes. They aren’t dealing with wealthy men so it’s not about golddigging. These men make them feel good. That’s what they get out of it.

As I listen to them talk, I try to understand, although I’m not sure it’s something that is meant to be understood. Hey, I’m no angel. I’ve committed adultry in my head. Passed time on the Metro by mentally undressing a married man or two. I’ve had my fair share of offers. Most recently, a married dude (who wasn’t wearing a ring so I was in the dark at first) spit some pretty good game trying to recruit me to his harem. I listened intently because I like to keep up on how players play.

At one time, I wondered if someone had stuck a sign on my back advertising a freebie to any married men that applied. I guess the one thing that has always kept me from going that route (besides witnessing first hand the pain it caused in my own family) was karma. Years from now, I don’t want Ms. New Booty coming at my husband because of some dirt I did years earlier. What goes up, must come down.

Although as my Momma always says, “If you put p*ssy in a man’s face, he’s gonna eat it.” Yup, that’s real talk from the Pastor’s wife. (I would still like to wear my rose-colored glasses on this one for a while longer). So I know it could happen anyway, but I don’t want to increase the chances. I already know that I am not a woman that can recover from that, especially if we’re married. I’m not trying to be driven crazyderanged like L Boog…errr…Ms. Hill. So I have to admit, those thoughts kept me from crossing the line even when it was HARD…and I mean HARDDD. (Like…Idris Elba hard. Feel me?)

Besides that, I know me. If I really have strong feelings for a man, a piece of his love is not going to be enough. This woman has big appetites that a part-time lover can’t satisfy. Not to mention, my love language is quality time. Playing the side piece gets you very limited quality time. I would imagine it’s particularly hard during the holiday season to be in love with a man for whom you’re a secondary obligation.

mary2.jpg

Christmas you weren’t with me
New Year’s Eve you were not around
Valentine’s came and went
Makes me wonder where your time was spent
Fireworks on the Fourth of July
Thanksgiving was another lie
Your family has never met me
And you’ve never met mine, no happy holiday
-No Happy Holidays