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SONGS IN THE KEY OF LIFE

~ Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.

SONGS IN THE KEY OF LIFE

Tag Archives: single women and relationships

Change For Me?

20 Wednesday Aug 2008

Posted by Vivrant Thang in Feeding The Music Jones

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

commitment issues, eric roberson change for me, love, men and relationships, music to play to get over a breakup, open relationships, relationship issues, relationships, single women and relationships, women and relationships, women not believing in monogamy

by  vivrant thang on relationships

I had another post on tap but I got something I just have to get off my chest. Not sure why but bear with me.

Recently, I caught up with a friend I hadn’t seen or talked to in a while. Thankfully social media has enabled us to keep up with the haps in each others lives. So as soon as we sat down for dinner, I couldn’t wait to start grilling her.

“What is the story behind you and ole boy breaking up to make up…to break up?”

In a span of about three months or so, her Myspace/Facebook status message has gone from “In A Relationship” to “Single” then back to “In A Relationship” to now “Single.” I was amused when I saw this because I knew exactly what was happening.

You’ve probably seen those commercials for Restless Leg Syndrome? Well she has Restless Coochie Syndrome. Don’t think they’ve come up with meds for this one yet though. When she first met this dude almost a year ago, she told him straight up that she had never been faithful to any of the men she’s ever been involved with or even engaged to. Never. Not one time.  She told him she didn’t even really even understand monogamy. Doesn’t think it’s natural. She put all her cards on the table from the beginning. She didn’t send her representative. He heard her clearly and didn’t particularly like it. But he – say it with me – thought he could change her. A grown ass 29 year-old man thought he was the one that would finally cure the syndrome. He was so great that this this 25-year old woman, who by her own admission has been pimping since she was a tween, settle down ’til death do they part. Keep in mind she has no desire to change.

Even after the first breakup when he discovered she had been stepping out and made her choose, she tried to convince him that an open relationship could work. I wonder if she illustrated her point by using Ruby and Ossie or Jada and Will? Of course he wasn’t with that and told her that she had to make a choice. At the end of the day, she loved cared deeply for him and didn’t want to lose him. So she kicked whoever she was seeing to the curve and settled back into pseudo-marital bliss.

Then the syndrome flared up again.

This time he resorted to reading her e-mails and found what he was looking for. Now he’s sitting up in his room like Brandy crying and blasting “A House Is Not a Home” and “Cause I Love You.” Pitiful. Did I mention they live together? So this is what she has to come home to every night. No wonder she resurfaced after all this time.

Do I sound callous? I guess I am. He blames her but I told her not to accept that. I remember at the beginning of the relationship when she told me she let him know from day one that she had the syndrome and he still went along with it, I said back then, “Well he deserves whatever he gets.” I still believe that. Apparently, he had intentions of wiving her from the beginning. He went in with that attitude. Somewhere during the course of this relationship, he even brought her a “promise ring.” Why proceed in that manner if someone basically tells you from jump, “I am going to cheat on you and break your heart.”

Because…say it with me, “He thought he could change her.”

Negro please.

Viv, cut the boy some slack!

Okay, I got sympathy for anyone that ends up in heartbreak hotel. You can’t take nothing for that kind of pain. But he has nobody to blame for this but himself. It’s a cold, hard lesson to learn but an important one that I got early. When someone shows you (or tells you!) who they are, you better listen up! Do not think for a second that you can change someone who likes themselves just the way they are.

Whether I respect the way someone lives his life is immaterial. I appreciate when a person is upfront and able to tell me exactly what I am getting myself into. In my last relationship, my ex was so fucked up that he couldn’t tell me who he really was. I was able to read between the lines and see how he was emotionally damaged. But I always knew I couldn’t be the one to change him.

Same goes for a person’s belief system and moral values. I have never judged my friend for what she believes. In many ways, I understand it. Although I could never live that way, I respect her for knowing who she is and telling it up front – whether it’s right or wrong. However, it would seem to be common sense that if your beliefs and morals values don’t line up with a potential, you gotta let it go. Chalk it up as another love tko. You don’t cover up the differences with a promise ring and hope they magically disappear.

Don’t know why this got me so riled up. But I’d love to know what you think. Am I being too hard on the dude? Am I completely off base? Does love make things happen?

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Other Woman Revisited

08 Tuesday Jul 2008

Posted by Vivrant Thang in Feeding The Music Jones

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

being the chick on the side, being the other woman, cheating, cheating with a married man, nina simone song other woman, relationships, single women and relationships, the other woman

by vivrant thang on other woman

nina_simone.jpg

But the other woman will always cry herself to sleep
The other woman will never have his love to keep
And as the years go by the other woman
Will spend her life alone

The second most popular post behind my top fifty songs list remains “Other Woman,” where I share my views on women becoming involved with married men. Re-reading it now, I think I may have come off a tad bit sanctimonious. Maybe not though, or I would have hoped someone would have called me out on it (respectfully – cause that’s how we do it here). But it was how I felt at the time – and how I still feel.

I’m revisiting the topic now because of something that happened to me recently – or rather an ongoing situation came to a head. Please note that some minor details will be vague or even completely changed to protect the innocent [read: my black ass].

Earlier this year, I started some side work at an organization and have to go up to their offices fairly frequently throughout the week. My first week there, one of the evening staffers took it upon himself to make my acquaintance. He gave me his business card and let me know if I was ever leaving the building late and needed an escort, he was at my service. I realized he was flirting but I just smiled and nodded. He was somewhere in his mid to late fifties and although I joke talk about pulling a sugar daddy, I certainly was not going to look for him in a place I handled business. I don’t shit where I eat. And he certainly was not going to be married.

Over the course of time, on my way out the building in the evenings, I would stop and chat with him and the other night staff. (In case you’re wondering, couldn’t be avoided because I had to pass him to get out.) But it was cool. I’m a social butterfly like that. I just laughed off his comments about me being “the finest woman in the building.” He broke it down for me how I was like “that there Jill Scott and Patti Labelle” – and somebody else I forget – wrapped up into one. Old men got compliments now!

One day he mentioned that he loved to cook – the other man sitting there co-signed that he had skills. I’m always impressed when a man throws down in the kitchen and I told him that. He said he did most of the cooking in the household. Since he knew I was a “Carolina girl,” and loved some down home cooking, he promised to bring some food in for me to sample. I tried to dissuade him, admittedly not very hard. He was bringing a dish that I hadn’t had in years. He brought it in a couple days later and that was the beginning.

Over the next few months, he didn’t let more than a couple of weeks go by without bringing me something he cooked. Often, it was more than enough to eat on for two days and always very artfully arranged. I would always protest – albeit weakly – telling him that he didn’t have to keep doing this. But he said “I gotta take care of you!” I admit, that was music to my ears. There were some nights that I was leaving those offices dead on my feet – mentally and physically. To leave there with that little “care package” and not have to go home and rustle up something to eat was almost as good as coming home to a foot massage and a listening ear.

That’s how it starts isn’t it?

Time passed. I kept laughing off comments about how “if only I wasn’t married….” Whatever. Just bring me my food. I didn’t take it seriously at all. Just jokes. My thoughts were on my stomach, as I allude to here.

Things came to a head recently when the head of a department invited me to an event. Of course ole dude encouraged me to come out as he would be manning the grill and told me I could bring some stuff and he would cook it up for me.

I came out with a friend of mine and sat back while he cooked up the food for me. It was a real nice time until he sat down and started talking. He got onto the topic of relationships – and of course sex. He went on and on about how that was at the top of his list of things important to him and how a man got to take care of business with his tongue.

He was oblivious to me and my girlfriend exchanging not so subtle glances and mocking commentary. I did not respond to what he was saying – not in the way he would have liked. But I didn’t try strongly enough to end the conversation, although it was making me uncomfortable. The whole thing felt wrong and dirty – because it was.

Before I left, he pulled me to the side to make sure I wasn’t offended [read: harassed]. He said he hadn’t meant any harm. I brushed it off and told him we were cool. I left there feeling unsettled – and knowing that was the end of my “care packages.” I always knew the day was coming when the somewhat lighthearted flirting would take a turn. He just had to get me outside of the office.

In the end, I know this is for the best. One of my primary reasons for never getting involved with a married man is that I believe what goes up must come down. If I eva found out the Mister was taking food out of our house to give to some hussy, that would be his ass. There would be hell to pay. So by the same token, I had no right to do the same thing to another woman.

I shared this story with someone who told me that I was leading him on. Although I know there was never a snowball’s chance in hell that he would get anywhere near this, he probably thought he was making strides. That sex talk was testing the waters. While I was filling my belly and perhaps reveling in the attention a bit, he probably thought he was wearing me down.

Admittedly, “taking care of me” is one of the keys to my heart but only a single man could hold that key.

And I’ll be letting him know that in no uncertain terms.

Lesson learned.

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Time Will Reveal

17 Tuesday Jun 2008

Posted by Vivrant Thang in Feeding The Music Jones

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

debarge, single women and relationships, time will reveal

I know just how you feel
But this time love’s for real
In time it will reveal
That special love that’s
deep inside of us
Will all reveal in time

Aside: Someone told me today that I seem to be losing my “blog juice” so I figured I better get in here and give ya’ll a real post instead of a bunch of videos! I know posting has been light but between an increasingly active social calendar and my work schedule, I will probably struggle to eke out 2-3 posts a week. I blog late in the evenings and I tell you after the day I had all I wanted when I made it home was a stiff one and some mindless television. Even now, I’m struggling to write this (and it will probably show) But I do what I have to do.

And it’s only going to get worse. When you work for an organization where President Obama (yup, I said it!) will be making a special visit this week to meet with the upper brass, you can imagine the work I have ahead of me this political season. I hope ya’ll can hang in there with a sista.

Now on to the subject at hand.

When I turned 30 and then two weeks later ended my last relationship, I vowed that was the last boyfriend I would ever have.

Things moved so fast and feelings grew so quickly that I didn’t have take a lot of time to really think about what I was getting myself into….who I was getting myself into a commitment with. All I knew was what I felt in those moments. I intended to take the time to let it grow and for things to be revealed before I called myself his and only his. But it just happened. I woke up one day and he was calling me his girlfriend. Really, that’s how it went. And I went along with it. I just felt so much. I couldn’t verbalize what my mind was screaming. NEED. MORE. TIME!

After that fiasco mercifully came to an end, I promised myself a couple of things.

In my experience, not many people can keep up an act for longer than a few months. Somewhere before or by that time, that person will begin to show you who they really are – if you’re paying attention. The representative will slowly begin to fade into the background and you’ll begin the discover the crust of this person. All along, while shit is new, you’ve been enjoying the white part of the bread. And as we know, that’s not where the realness is at. Now this is not to say that the person is intentionally misrepresenting themselves. We’re all on our best behavior in the beginning.

It’s so easy – and may even seem natural – to get caught up in the rapture and hurriedly change your Myspace status to “In A Relationship.” Ya’ll know what I’m talmbout! But who are you really in a relationship with? Do you really know yet?

For me, I’ve decided that the next time someone worthy of my attention comes along, I’m going to take my time and get to know him before he becomes the only one I’m giving the “red light special” to. What’s the rush? I need to let time reveal who I am really dealing with. Hell, I didn’t commit to buying my home quickly. I didn’t make any other major decisions in my life with the snap of a finger. I need to put the same thought into choosing a life partner as well.

Yes, I said a life partner.

The other decision I made is that at this point in my life, I don’t see any reason to enter a long term relationship where we’re committed year in and year out with no goal in mind. That goal being wedded bliss of course. Makes no sense to me. Nothing wrong with dating but I don’t see the need to commit again unless we’re both on the same page as to where we want to end up. If we’re not in the same place, we can enjoy each other’s company, but I always make it clear that at any given moment, another man could be beating my time.

I know I may sound flippant as if this will be an easy thing. It won’t be. I’m still a woman and we’re some emotional creatures. However, one thing my experience has taught me is that for my sanity (and so I don’t catch a case), I have to start listening to my highly developed intuition. I always know, but the trouble comes in when I don’t listen and act.

Since I’ve come to these conclusions, dating has become easier. Won’t go as far as to say it’s a piece of cake because your girl has been kissing some frogs…some very entertaining….but frogs alI the same. However, I feel much less anxiety than I used to.

I think I’m settling in to the dirty thirties quite well, yes?

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