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SONGS IN THE KEY OF LIFE

~ Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.

SONGS IN THE KEY OF LIFE

Tag Archives: being the other woman

Other Woman Revisited

08 Tuesday Jul 2008

Posted by Vivrant Thang in Feeding The Music Jones

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

being the chick on the side, being the other woman, cheating, cheating with a married man, nina simone song other woman, relationships, single women and relationships, the other woman

by vivrant thang on other woman

nina_simone.jpg

But the other woman will always cry herself to sleep
The other woman will never have his love to keep
And as the years go by the other woman
Will spend her life alone

The second most popular post behind my top fifty songs list remains “Other Woman,” where I share my views on women becoming involved with married men. Re-reading it now, I think I may have come off a tad bit sanctimonious. Maybe not though, or I would have hoped someone would have called me out on it (respectfully – cause that’s how we do it here). But it was how I felt at the time – and how I still feel.

I’m revisiting the topic now because of something that happened to me recently – or rather an ongoing situation came to a head. Please note that some minor details will be vague or even completely changed to protect the innocent [read: my black ass].

Earlier this year, I started some side work at an organization and have to go up to their offices fairly frequently throughout the week. My first week there, one of the evening staffers took it upon himself to make my acquaintance. He gave me his business card and let me know if I was ever leaving the building late and needed an escort, he was at my service. I realized he was flirting but I just smiled and nodded. He was somewhere in his mid to late fifties and although I joke talk about pulling a sugar daddy, I certainly was not going to look for him in a place I handled business. I don’t shit where I eat. And he certainly was not going to be married.

Over the course of time, on my way out the building in the evenings, I would stop and chat with him and the other night staff. (In case you’re wondering, couldn’t be avoided because I had to pass him to get out.) But it was cool. I’m a social butterfly like that. I just laughed off his comments about me being “the finest woman in the building.” He broke it down for me how I was like “that there Jill Scott and Patti Labelle” – and somebody else I forget – wrapped up into one. Old men got compliments now!

One day he mentioned that he loved to cook – the other man sitting there co-signed that he had skills. I’m always impressed when a man throws down in the kitchen and I told him that. He said he did most of the cooking in the household. Since he knew I was a “Carolina girl,” and loved some down home cooking, he promised to bring some food in for me to sample. I tried to dissuade him, admittedly not very hard. He was bringing a dish that I hadn’t had in years. He brought it in a couple days later and that was the beginning.

Over the next few months, he didn’t let more than a couple of weeks go by without bringing me something he cooked. Often, it was more than enough to eat on for two days and always very artfully arranged. I would always protest – albeit weakly – telling him that he didn’t have to keep doing this. But he said “I gotta take care of you!” I admit, that was music to my ears. There were some nights that I was leaving those offices dead on my feet – mentally and physically. To leave there with that little “care package” and not have to go home and rustle up something to eat was almost as good as coming home to a foot massage and a listening ear.

That’s how it starts isn’t it?

Time passed. I kept laughing off comments about how “if only I wasn’t married….” Whatever. Just bring me my food. I didn’t take it seriously at all. Just jokes. My thoughts were on my stomach, as I allude to here.

Things came to a head recently when the head of a department invited me to an event. Of course ole dude encouraged me to come out as he would be manning the grill and told me I could bring some stuff and he would cook it up for me.

I came out with a friend of mine and sat back while he cooked up the food for me. It was a real nice time until he sat down and started talking. He got onto the topic of relationships – and of course sex. He went on and on about how that was at the top of his list of things important to him and how a man got to take care of business with his tongue.

He was oblivious to me and my girlfriend exchanging not so subtle glances and mocking commentary. I did not respond to what he was saying – not in the way he would have liked. But I didn’t try strongly enough to end the conversation, although it was making me uncomfortable. The whole thing felt wrong and dirty – because it was.

Before I left, he pulled me to the side to make sure I wasn’t offended [read: harassed]. He said he hadn’t meant any harm. I brushed it off and told him we were cool. I left there feeling unsettled – and knowing that was the end of my “care packages.” I always knew the day was coming when the somewhat lighthearted flirting would take a turn. He just had to get me outside of the office.

In the end, I know this is for the best. One of my primary reasons for never getting involved with a married man is that I believe what goes up must come down. If I eva found out the Mister was taking food out of our house to give to some hussy, that would be his ass. There would be hell to pay. So by the same token, I had no right to do the same thing to another woman.

I shared this story with someone who told me that I was leading him on. Although I know there was never a snowball’s chance in hell that he would get anywhere near this, he probably thought he was making strides. That sex talk was testing the waters. While I was filling my belly and perhaps reveling in the attention a bit, he probably thought he was wearing me down.

Admittedly, “taking care of me” is one of the keys to my heart but only a single man could hold that key.

And I’ll be letting him know that in no uncertain terms.

Lesson learned.

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Other Woman

20 Tuesday Nov 2007

Posted by Vivrant Thang in Feeding The Music Jones

≈ 20 Comments

Tags

being the chick on the side, being the other woman, cheating, mary j blige song no happy holidays, nina simone song other woman, no happy holidays, relationships, steve harvey morning show strawberry letter 23, the other woman, What's Going On

nina_simone.jpg

But the other woman will always cry herself to sleep
The other woman will never have his love to keep
And as the years go by the other woman
Will spend her life alone

This is a repost I originally wrote on my Myspace blog a year ago. I hadn’t planned to post this today but I was inspired by the Strawberry Letter 23 read on the Steve Harvey morning show today. I normally don’t listen to his show, but I was flipping stations and happened to catch it. I’ve heard about these soap opera-ish letters they read on the show from listeners seeking advice on impossible situations. I would just link to it but it seems like they change it everyday so here’s an excerpt.

Dear Steve, I am writing this letter because of a current situation in my life. Theres this man in my life and hes actually in the military as of now. I really care about him, i can actually say i love him & i’m pretty sure he feels/felt the same. See, the real drama to the story is HE’s MARRiED! Now i’m no homewrecker or anything like that. I’ve actually never been involved with a married man until now. The story i have from him is basically in order to enter his unnamed branch of military he would have to sign over his immediate rights to their child unless he either A.) didn’t join that branch of military, or B.) married the mother of the child. This man has been straight out honest with me from day one on everything so i have no reason to doubt that someone really told him this.

They married toward the end of last year and he says he wasn’t happy before the marriage and isn’t happy now. Then get this, he says that i am too good for this situation, that i’m not made to be a side girl, that i’m made to be somebodys wife and he can’t give me that at the moment, so he’s gonna remove me from the situation. I argued with him and we resolved it and continued or “relationship”.

A few days later he tried a more dominate approach to get me out of the situation and basically told me he hated me, he didn’t wanna ever hear my voice again, etc. but at that time he stayed on the phone with me for 3 hrs in the early a.m. just listening to me talk & cry. I kept hearing him pause as if he wanted to say i don’t mean these things, i just don’t want you to get hurt, but he didn’t. So we stopped talking. He’s coming home soon and we were supposed to spend the holidays together but now thats been crushed. I really love this man, and am debating if i should contact him before he leaves to come home, even though he told me not to contact him anymore. I feel that he’s putting up a front because he doesn’t want me to be crushed if he eventually decides to stay with his wife, which he actually vocalized in the past. I told him plenty times before that i’m a big girl, i can handle it, and that he is worth the wait, but he refuses to put me through it. In a way i think thats one of the sweetest things i’ve ever seen done, but at the same time i feel that he’s deserted me and given up on our probable chance at real love. I’m going to pray about it and actually just take some time to think deeply and no later than tonight i’m making my decision because he leaves tomorrow. I know this seems dumb, but i really love this man. The reason i’m in such a rush is because after hes home for two weeks, he’s moving to a base clear across from our origin. On the opposite coast of the united states.

other_woman.jpg

I know, I know.

Steve Harvey hit this woman back with real talk. She might listen, but I doubt she hears him. She’s gone. However, this situation made me remember this post:

I have two friends that are currently playing the position of the “other woman.” I talked with one via e-mail today and she admitted that she was catching feelings. They had deep conversations and he was doing all the cute “boyfriend-like” things. He’d even met her mother. I read between the lines and saw that she was asking me not to judge her, especially since she hadn’t heeded my previous warning that this couldn’t possibly turn out good.

Trust me. I know.

Two close members of my family played the other woman role for years. One even conceived a child with her married man in hopes that his wife would leave him. Where’s he at? With his wife…and barely seeing his child, who happens to be his spitting image. No child is a mistake. I just can’t imagine looking at your son and seeing your former married lover’s face everyday. That has to be painful.

I try not to judge because for one, who am I to do that? Besides, ultimately, grown folks are going to do what they want. I told the other friend that she wouldn’t stop messing with her married man until something really bad happened. She agreed.

When I talk to them about their situations, I try to remain neutral because both of them express regret about what they are doing. They aren’t proud of it, but they are really feeling these dudes. They aren’t dealing with wealthy men so it’s not about golddigging. These men make them feel good. That’s what they get out of it.

As I listen to them talk, I try to understand, although I’m not sure it’s something that is meant to be understood. Hey, I’m no angel. I’ve committed adultry in my head. Passed time on the Metro by mentally undressing a married man or two. I’ve had my fair share of offers. Most recently, a married dude (who wasn’t wearing a ring so I was in the dark at first) spit some pretty good game trying to recruit me to his harem. I listened intently because I like to keep up on how players play.

At one time, I wondered if someone had stuck a sign on my back advertising a freebie to any married men that applied. I guess the one thing that has always kept me from going that route (besides witnessing first hand the pain it caused in my own family) was karma. Years from now, I don’t want Ms. New Booty coming at my husband because of some dirt I did years earlier. What goes up, must come down.

Although as my Momma always says, “If you put p*ssy in a man’s face, he’s gonna eat it.” Yup, that’s real talk from the Pastor’s wife. (I would still like to wear my rose-colored glasses on this one for a while longer). So I know it could happen anyway, but I don’t want to increase the chances. I already know that I am not a woman that can recover from that, especially if we’re married. I’m not trying to be driven crazyderanged like L Boog…errr…Ms. Hill. So I have to admit, those thoughts kept me from crossing the line even when it was HARD…and I mean HARDDD. (Like…Idris Elba hard. Feel me?)

Besides that, I know me. If I really have strong feelings for a man, a piece of his love is not going to be enough. This woman has big appetites that a part-time lover can’t satisfy. Not to mention, my love language is quality time. Playing the side piece gets you very limited quality time. I would imagine it’s particularly hard during the holiday season to be in love with a man for whom you’re a secondary obligation.

mary2.jpg

Christmas you weren’t with me
New Year’s Eve you were not around
Valentine’s came and went
Makes me wonder where your time was spent
Fireworks on the Fourth of July
Thanksgiving was another lie
Your family has never met me
And you’ve never met mine, no happy holiday

-No Happy Holidays

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