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by  vivrant thang on relationships

I had another post on tap but I got something I just have to get off my chest. Not sure why but bear with me.

Recently, I caught up with a friend I hadn’t seen or talked to in a while. Thankfully social media has enabled us to keep up with the haps in each others lives. So as soon as we sat down for dinner, I couldn’t wait to start grilling her.

“What is the story behind you and ole boy breaking up to make up…to break up?”

In a span of about three months or so, her Myspace/Facebook status message has gone from “In A Relationship” to “Single” then back to “In A Relationship” to now “Single.” I was amused when I saw this because I knew exactly what was happening.

You’ve probably seen those commercials for Restless Leg Syndrome? Well she has Restless Coochie Syndrome. Don’t think they’ve come up with meds for this one yet though. When she first met this dude almost a year ago, she told him straight up that she had never been faithful to any of the men she’s ever been involved with or even engaged to. Never. Not one time.  She told him she didn’t even really even understand monogamy. Doesn’t think it’s natural. She put all her cards on the table from the beginning. She didn’t send her representative. He heard her clearly and didn’t particularly like it. But he – say it with me – thought he could change her. A grown ass 29 year-old man thought he was the one that would finally cure the syndrome. He was so great that this this 25-year old woman, who by her own admission has been pimping since she was a tween, settle down ’til death do they part. Keep in mind she has no desire to change.

Even after the first breakup when he discovered she had been stepping out and made her choose, she tried to convince him that an open relationship could work. I wonder if she illustrated her point by using Ruby and Ossie or Jada and Will? Of course he wasn’t with that and told her that she had to make a choice. At the end of the day, she loved cared deeply for him and didn’t want to lose him. So she kicked whoever she was seeing to the curve and settled back into pseudo-marital bliss.

Then the syndrome flared up again.

This time he resorted to reading her e-mails and found what he was looking for. Now he’s sitting up in his room like Brandy crying and blasting “A House Is Not a Home” and “Cause I Love You.” Pitiful. Did I mention they live together? So this is what she has to come home to every night. No wonder she resurfaced after all this time.

Do I sound callous? I guess I am. He blames her but I told her not to accept that. I remember at the beginning of the relationship when she told me she let him know from day one that she had the syndrome and he still went along with it, I said back then, “Well he deserves whatever he gets.” I still believe that. Apparently, he had intentions of wiving her from the beginning. He went in with that attitude. Somewhere during the course of this relationship, he even brought her a “promise ring.” Why proceed in that manner if someone basically tells you from jump, “I am going to cheat on you and break your heart.”

Because…say it with me, “He thought he could change her.”

Negro please.

Viv, cut the boy some slack!

Okay, I got sympathy for anyone that ends up in heartbreak hotel. You can’t take nothing for that kind of pain. But he has nobody to blame for this but himself. It’s a cold, hard lesson to learn but an important one that I got early. When someone shows you (or tells you!) who they are, you better listen up! Do not think for a second that you can change someone who likes themselves just the way they are.

Whether I respect the way someone lives his life is immaterial. I appreciate when a person is upfront and able to tell me exactly what I am getting myself into. In my last relationship, my ex was so fucked up that he couldn’t tell me who he really was. I was able to read between the lines and see how he was emotionally damaged. But I always knew I couldn’t be the one to change him.

Same goes for a person’s belief system and moral values. I have never judged my friend for what she believes. In many ways, I understand it. Although I could never live that way, I respect her for knowing who she is and telling it up front – whether it’s right or wrong. However, it would seem to be common sense that if your beliefs and morals values don’t line up with a potential, you gotta let it go. Chalk it up as another love tko. You don’t cover up the differences with a promise ring and hope they magically disappear.

Don’t know why this got me so riled up. But I’d love to know what you think. Am I being too hard on the dude? Am I completely off base? Does love make things happen?