Tag Archives: relationship issues

Change For Me?

20 Wednesday Aug 2008

Posted by in Feeding The Music Jones

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by  vivrant thang on relationships

I had another post on tap but I got something I just have to get off my chest. Not sure why but bear with me.

Recently, I caught up with a friend I hadn’t seen or talked to in a while. Thankfully social media has enabled us to keep up with the haps in each others lives. So as soon as we sat down for dinner, I couldn’t wait to start grilling her.

“What is the story behind you and ole boy breaking up to make up…to break up?”

In a span of about three months or so, her Myspace/Facebook status message has gone from “In A Relationship” to “Single” then back to “In A Relationship” to now “Single.” I was amused when I saw this because I knew exactly what was happening.

You’ve probably seen those commercials for Restless Leg Syndrome? Well she has Restless Coochie Syndrome. Don’t think they’ve come up with meds for this one yet though. When she first met this dude almost a year ago, she told him straight up that she had never been faithful to any of the men she’s ever been involved with or even engaged to. Never. Not one time.  She told him she didn’t even really even understand monogamy. Doesn’t think it’s natural. She put all her cards on the table from the beginning. She didn’t send her representative. He heard her clearly and didn’t particularly like it. But he – say it with me – thought he could change her. A grown ass 29 year-old man thought he was the one that would finally cure the syndrome. He was so great that this this 25-year old woman, who by her own admission has been pimping since she was a tween, settle down ’til death do they part. Keep in mind she has no desire to change.

Even after the first breakup when he discovered she had been stepping out and made her choose, she tried to convince him that an open relationship could work. I wonder if she illustrated her point by using Ruby and Ossie or Jada and Will? Of course he wasn’t with that and told her that she had to make a choice. At the end of the day, she loved cared deeply for him and didn’t want to lose him. So she kicked whoever she was seeing to the curve and settled back into pseudo-marital bliss.

Then the syndrome flared up again.

This time he resorted to reading her e-mails and found what he was looking for. Now he’s sitting up in his room like Brandy crying and blasting “A House Is Not a Home” and “Cause I Love You.” Pitiful. Did I mention they live together? So this is what she has to come home to every night. No wonder she resurfaced after all this time.

Do I sound callous? I guess I am. He blames her but I told her not to accept that. I remember at the beginning of the relationship when she told me she let him know from day one that she had the syndrome and he still went along with it, I said back then, “Well he deserves whatever he gets.” I still believe that. Apparently, he had intentions of wiving her from the beginning. He went in with that attitude. Somewhere during the course of this relationship, he even brought her a “promise ring.” Why proceed in that manner if someone basically tells you from jump, “I am going to cheat on you and break your heart.”

Because…say it with me, “He thought he could change her.”

Negro please.

Viv, cut the boy some slack!

Okay, I got sympathy for anyone that ends up in heartbreak hotel. You can’t take nothing for that kind of pain. But he has nobody to blame for this but himself. It’s a cold, hard lesson to learn but an important one that I got early. When someone shows you (or tells you!) who they are, you better listen up! Do not think for a second that you can change someone who likes themselves just the way they are.

Whether I respect the way someone lives his life is immaterial. I appreciate when a person is upfront and able to tell me exactly what I am getting myself into. In my last relationship, my ex was so fucked up that he couldn’t tell me who he really was. I was able to read between the lines and see how he was emotionally damaged. But I always knew I couldn’t be the one to change him.

Same goes for a person’s belief system and moral values. I have never judged my friend for what she believes. In many ways, I understand it. Although I could never live that way, I respect her for knowing who she is and telling it up front – whether it’s right or wrong. However, it would seem to be common sense that if your beliefs and morals values don’t line up with a potential, you gotta let it go. Chalk it up as another love tko. You don’t cover up the differences with a promise ring and hope they magically disappear.

Don’t know why this got me so riled up. But I’d love to know what you think. Am I being too hard on the dude? Am I completely off base? Does love make things happen?

Affected

05 Tuesday Feb 2008

Posted by in Feeding The Music Jones

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by vivrant thang on relationships

vivian.jpg

I’m not affected you’ve been rejected
Written off my heart
There is no debt here to be collected
I don’t want no part
How many times do I have to say it
You used to be smart
I’m not affected you’ve been rejected
And I don’t want no more

This post has been brewing for quite some time, but I had a couple of more pressing issues to get off my chest first.

Actually, I think it’s more timely now in light of a couple of things that have happened recently.

One is this whole conversation around Carlita Kilpatrick and her publicly standing by her man during that press conference last week. Some have asked why she would stand by him when he has humiliated her beyond belief by making such a mockery of their vows. Apparently he is continuing to do so with “Carmen Slowsky.”

Will she ever get to that point where enough is enough? In light of everything, why would she appear in front of the cameras and pledge to remain by her husband’s side?

In her vows, did she promise the “hip hop mayor” that she would be his ride-or-die chick til death? Does she just not care as long as she can continue being the First Lady of Detroit? Is she staying for the children? Is it low self esteem? Does she not feel she can do any better or that there’s nothing else out there for her?

That’s the excuse a friend of mine gave me when I asked her why she continued to torture herself by staying in constant communication with a man she became involved with a couple of years ago that told her a year into it that there will never a chance for anything serious and he just wants to be friends. It’s too complicated of a situation to get into. However, the gist of it is that even though he doesn’t want to be with her, he still wants to keep her around to talk to for whatever reason.

She has admitted to him that she still has the romantic feelings, to which he has no response. He has done things which let her know loud and clear that he considers her a friend only, well a friend by his definition. Yet, she continues to over-analyze everything he says or does, secretly hoping he’ll change his mind. I gave her an impassioned “Let It Go” speech, which was met with “Well if he didn’t call me, no one else would.” I had to step away because I just can’t understand that kind of thinking.

See, it’s always been different for me. During my college days, I had to master the art of not being affected after almost losing my mind trying to figure out how the guy I was seeing could have had this whole other relationship going that was so serious he married her soon after he graduated. In retrospect, with almost 10 years of living under my belt, it should have been a no-brainer.

However, back then, I almost drove myself insane trying to put all the pieces together. I just had to know all the details. I just happened to work at the bank where they both had accounts and so I was able to find out a whole lot of information. Clearly, I had already lost my mind. On top of that, I could have lost my job over that piece of man! When I regained my senses, I knew that in the future, if I wasn’t being treated the way I should I had to let it go.

I became real hardcore with it. My philosophy became : When it’s over, I’m gone.

If I’m missing him, he would never know it. There are no random phone calls with or without the benefit of *69 (because your number was likely deleted the second we “kissed and said goodbye”); no drive-bys to see if his car is there; no just happening to be at his spot hoping to run into him.

Erase me from your brain. Remove me from your memory bank.

Last year, I went through a period where all of these exes starting popping up trying to get back. I was annoyed at their gall, particularly since in every single case (honestly) their special brand of foolishness had caused the breakup. However, I started hearing what the First Lady was truly saying when she would affectionately call me, “Hard-Hearted Hannah.” I’ve had other friends say, “You’re hard on a brother! You don’t take nothing!”

Clearly, I’m not the most forgiving person. Period. Particularly when the crime is committed by a man. I’ve got Daddy issues that could probably be turned into a Lifetime miniseries. Consequently, while it’s not impossible to gain my trust, it’s damn near impossible to regain it once you lose it. At times it’s almost like I’m expecting a man to do something to lose my trust. As one ex told me, “You’re waiting for me to f*k up.” I probably was. Daddy issues. No excuse – and I am working them out. Besides, the day will come when I need some serious forgiveness and I like to put good karma out there. So I let my guard down, opened up my heart a bit, and gave a couple of them a second chance.

A lesson learned the hard way: A leopard doesn’t change it’s spots. It was the same ish, different month. I think perhaps they just tried to come back to see if it was possible, not because they were truly willing to do better.

In any event, I’m not saying Hard Hearted Hannah is back in the building. (Not that she ever totally left.) However, my first obligation is protecting numero uno. No one else is going to do it but me. I can’t hang in there by a man that is not treating me right for any reason. I deserve better than that…and I wish Carlita and my friend felt the same way about themselves.

Everyone does not deserve a place in your heart. Some people need to remain written off of it…for good.

“A grown woman knows how to let you go”
Raheem Devaughn, Woman