I know just how you feel
But this time love’s for real
In time it will reveal
That special love that’s
deep inside of us
Will all reveal in time
Aside: Someone told me today that I seem to be losing my “blog juice” so I figured I better get in here and give ya’ll a real post instead of a bunch of videos! I know posting has been light but between an increasingly active social calendar and my work schedule, I will probably struggle to eke out 2-3 posts a week. I blog late in the evenings and I tell you after the day I had all I wanted when I made it home was a stiff one and some mindless television. Even now, I’m struggling to write this (and it will probably show) But I do what I have to do.
And it’s only going to get worse. When you work for an organization where President Obama (yup, I said it!) will be making a special visit this week to meet with the upper brass, you can imagine the work I have ahead of me this political season. I hope ya’ll can hang in there with a sista.
Now on to the subject at hand.
When I turned 30 and then two weeks later ended my last relationship, I vowed that was the last boyfriend I would ever have.
Things moved so fast and feelings grew so quickly that I didn’t have take a lot of time to really think about what I was getting myself into….who I was getting myself into a commitment with. All I knew was what I felt in those moments. I intended to take the time to let it grow and for things to be revealed before I called myself his and only his. But it just happened. I woke up one day and he was calling me his girlfriend. Really, that’s how it went. And I went along with it. I just felt so much. I couldn’t verbalize what my mind was screaming. NEED. MORE. TIME!
After that fiasco mercifully came to an end, I promised myself a couple of things.
In my experience, not many people can keep up an act for longer than a few months. Somewhere before or by that time, that person will begin to show you who they really are – if you’re paying attention. The representative will slowly begin to fade into the background and you’ll begin the discover the crust of this person. All along, while shit is new, you’ve been enjoying the white part of the bread. And as we know, that’s not where the realness is at. Now this is not to say that the person is intentionally misrepresenting themselves. We’re all on our best behavior in the beginning.
It’s so easy – and may even seem natural – to get caught up in the rapture and hurriedly change your Myspace status to “In A Relationship.” Ya’ll know what I’m talmbout! But who are you really in a relationship with? Do you really know yet?
For me, I’ve decided that the next time someone worthy of my attention comes along, I’m going to take my time and get to know him before he becomes the only one I’m giving the “red light special” to. What’s the rush? I need to let time reveal who I am really dealing with. Hell, I didn’t commit to buying my home quickly. I didn’t make any other major decisions in my life with the snap of a finger. I need to put the same thought into choosing a life partner as well.
Yes, I said a life partner.
The other decision I made is that at this point in my life, I don’t see any reason to enter a long term relationship where we’re committed year in and year out with no goal in mind. That goal being wedded bliss of course. Makes no sense to me. Nothing wrong with dating but I don’t see the need to commit again unless we’re both on the same page as to where we want to end up. If we’re not in the same place, we can enjoy each other’s company, but I always make it clear that at any given moment, another man could be beating my time.
I know I may sound flippant as if this will be an easy thing. It won’t be. I’m still a woman and we’re some emotional creatures. However, one thing my experience has taught me is that for my sanity (and so I don’t catch a case), I have to start listening to my highly developed intuition. I always know, but the trouble comes in when I don’t listen and act.
Since I’ve come to these conclusions, dating has become easier. Won’t go as far as to say it’s a piece of cake because your girl has been kissing some frogs…some very entertaining….but frogs alI the same. However, I feel much less anxiety than I used to.
I think I’m settling in to the dirty thirties quite well, yes?
Great post! I agree that it seems you are settling in to your thirties quite nicely. It seems as if you have done some great self reflection and made some great relevations that had led to some fantastic resolutions. And I totally agree that it is always just a matter of time before the representative steps to the side and the true person appears. What I have learned is that it is nice to keep emotions in check and not become so attached to the rep so that when the real person emerges you aren’t too terribly disappointed and crushed.
I don’t do boyfriends. Either we’re dating or we’re getting married (or becoming partners for life – I’m a little weird about marriage). Period. No questions asked. I don’t do exclusivity and I’m honest about that.
Why am I going to spend ALL my time with a man that I know is not going to be my husband or father to my 3 year old daughter. And hell, I know. What I look like being with someone for a year and half and then ending it…only to start the process over again?
We can date. We can spend LOTS of time together, we can have great,, set the sheets ablaze sex, just know that at any moment someone can come in and take ur spot. Deal with it.
When I was still in boyfriend mode I had a 2 month rule. We’d talk for 2 months. No sex. Just date. Believe me, this is why I rarely had “boyfriends” folk true colors come out within a couple of months. SMH.
Wow! This sounds like my 90 Day Rule in action. Stay strong to your goal and you’ll find that one that you are looking for. However, you know the right man will make you break all these rules.
vivrant thang said:
@tiff- yea i think sometimes i do way too much self-reflecting! and i agree about trying to keep the emotions in check but again, we’re girls. it’s hard! but i do have to say i was recently accused of being like a dude so apparently i am able to do it when need be….which is not necessarily a good thing.
@jj – i hear ya girl! and i can imagine that these kinds of “rules” became even more important once you had your daughter. i definitely can’t blame you there!
@krush – you know, i thought about your 90-day rule when i was writing this but i couldn’t get the connection together at midnight. 🙂 and i don’t know about that last comment. i’m learning to never say never! however, i will say for sure that you won’t catch me calling anyone my man without us being headed down the same road and working towards the same thing. and it won’t happen overnight. and that’s a fact.
Wow! I was thinking the same thing myself. I’m preparing to tun thirty this year and I have been having these thoughts of do I want to put myself in the position of potentially…. wasting time, I guess is the best way to put i. Props to you for this post!
It’s a 30’s thang, some of yall might not understand. But I just turned 30 and I understand completely. I have never had a so called boyfriend for longer than 6 months. I used to think that something was wrong with me, but after reading this I think I just didn’t allow myself to be trapped in unloving, unhealthy, relationships that weren’t going anywhere and man am I glad. I am really enjoying life at 30, and I look forward to what the future holds. Sounds to me like you are too, Vivrant!
Vivrant Thang said:
@Sabrina – Turning 30 will have you thinking bout some thangs huh? I’ll probably write about this more down the line so I’d love to hear more of your thoughts.
@ Tip- In retrospect, I truly realize that things happen for a reason. And I have been SO blessed to have been spared a lot that I could have gone through. Anyway, yes indeed! 30 is treating me well thus far.
B. Good said:
Why the 30’s gotta be dirty? LOL
In addition to being good for your sanity, and a smart move to ensure the real is eventually revealed…its actually a nice lil power trip keeping the mens at bay. Just an added bonus for me, lol.
Girl, I feel you. And whoever can’t handle it can move to the left, to the left. (I’m speaking as much to myself as I am to you.)