being the chick on the side, being the other woman, cheating, mary j blige song no happy holidays, nina simone song other woman, no happy holidays, relationships, steve harvey morning show strawberry letter 23, the other woman, What's Going On
But the other woman will always cry herself to sleep
The other woman will never have his love to keep
And as the years go by the other woman
Will spend her life alone
This is a repost I originally wrote on my Myspace blog a year ago. I hadn’t planned to post this today but I was inspired by the Strawberry Letter 23 read on the Steve Harvey morning show today. I normally don’t listen to his show, but I was flipping stations and happened to catch it. I’ve heard about these soap opera-ish letters they read on the show from listeners seeking advice on impossible situations. I would just link to it but it seems like they change it everyday so here’s an excerpt.
Dear Steve, I am writing this letter because of a current situation in my life. Theres this man in my life and hes actually in the military as of now. I really care about him, i can actually say i love him & i’m pretty sure he feels/felt the same. See, the real drama to the story is HE’s MARRiED! Now i’m no homewrecker or anything like that. I’ve actually never been involved with a married man until now. The story i have from him is basically in order to enter his unnamed branch of military he would have to sign over his immediate rights to their child unless he either A.) didn’t join that branch of military, or B.) married the mother of the child. This man has been straight out honest with me from day one on everything so i have no reason to doubt that someone really told him this.
They married toward the end of last year and he says he wasn’t happy before the marriage and isn’t happy now. Then get this, he says that i am too good for this situation, that i’m not made to be a side girl, that i’m made to be somebodys wife and he can’t give me that at the moment, so he’s gonna remove me from the situation. I argued with him and we resolved it and continued or “relationship”.
A few days later he tried a more dominate approach to get me out of the situation and basically told me he hated me, he didn’t wanna ever hear my voice again, etc. but at that time he stayed on the phone with me for 3 hrs in the early a.m. just listening to me talk & cry. I kept hearing him pause as if he wanted to say i don’t mean these things, i just don’t want you to get hurt, but he didn’t. So we stopped talking. He’s coming home soon and we were supposed to spend the holidays together but now thats been crushed. I really love this man, and am debating if i should contact him before he leaves to come home, even though he told me not to contact him anymore. I feel that he’s putting up a front because he doesn’t want me to be crushed if he eventually decides to stay with his wife, which he actually vocalized in the past. I told him plenty times before that i’m a big girl, i can handle it, and that he is worth the wait, but he refuses to put me through it. In a way i think thats one of the sweetest things i’ve ever seen done, but at the same time i feel that he’s deserted me and given up on our probable chance at real love. I’m going to pray about it and actually just take some time to think deeply and no later than tonight i’m making my decision because he leaves tomorrow. I know this seems dumb, but i really love this man. The reason i’m in such a rush is because after hes home for two weeks, he’s moving to a base clear across from our origin. On the opposite coast of the united states.
I know, I know.
Steve Harvey hit this woman back with real talk. She might listen, but I doubt she hears him. She’s gone. However, this situation made me remember this post:
I have two friends that are currently playing the position of the “other woman.” I talked with one via e-mail today and she admitted that she was catching feelings. They had deep conversations and he was doing all the cute “boyfriend-like” things. He’d even met her mother. I read between the lines and saw that she was asking me not to judge her, especially since she hadn’t heeded my previous warning that this couldn’t possibly turn out good.
Trust me. I know.
Two close members of my family played the other woman role for years. One even conceived a child with her married man in hopes that his wife would leave him. Where’s he at? With his wife…and barely seeing his child, who happens to be his spitting image. No child is a mistake. I just can’t imagine looking at your son and seeing your former married lover’s face everyday. That has to be painful.
I try not to judge because for one, who am I to do that? Besides, ultimately, grown folks are going to do what they want. I told the other friend that she wouldn’t stop messing with her married man until something really bad happened. She agreed.
When I talk to them about their situations, I try to remain neutral because both of them express regret about what they are doing. They aren’t proud of it, but they are really feeling these dudes. They aren’t dealing with wealthy men so it’s not about golddigging. These men make them feel good. That’s what they get out of it.
As I listen to them talk, I try to understand, although I’m not sure it’s something that is meant to be understood. Hey, I’m no angel. I’ve committed adultry in my head. Passed time on the Metro by mentally undressing a married man or two. I’ve had my fair share of offers. Most recently, a married dude (who wasn’t wearing a ring so I was in the dark at first) spit some pretty good game trying to recruit me to his harem. I listened intently because I like to keep up on how players play.
At one time, I wondered if someone had stuck a sign on my back advertising a freebie to any married men that applied. I guess the one thing that has always kept me from going that route (besides witnessing first hand the pain it caused in my own family) was karma. Years from now, I don’t want Ms. New Booty coming at my husband because of some dirt I did years earlier. What goes up, must come down.
Although as my Momma always says, “If you put p*ssy in a man’s face, he’s gonna eat it.” Yup, that’s real talk from the Pastor’s wife. (I would still like to wear my rose-colored glasses on this one for a while longer). So I know it could happen anyway, but I don’t want to increase the chances. I already know that I am not a woman that can recover from that, especially if we’re married. I’m not trying to be driven crazyderanged like L Boog…errr…Ms. Hill. So I have to admit, those thoughts kept me from crossing the line even when it was HARD…and I mean HARDDD. (Like…Idris Elba hard. Feel me?)
Besides that, I know me. If I really have strong feelings for a man, a piece of his love is not going to be enough. This woman has big appetites that a part-time lover can’t satisfy. Not to mention, my love language is quality time. Playing the side piece gets you very limited quality time. I would imagine it’s particularly hard during the holiday season to be in love with a man for whom you’re a secondary obligation.
Christmas you weren’t with me
New Year’s Eve you were not around
Valentine’s came and went
Makes me wonder where your time was spent
Fireworks on the Fourth of July
Thanksgiving was another lie
Your family has never met me
And you’ve never met mine, no happy holiday
-No Happy Holidays
B. Good said:
I was SO pained listening to this woman’s letter when they read it on air. It’s clear that she’s GONE, far gone, way past reasonable rationale for her actions. This is truly a situation she’s just gonna have to figure out for herself. I don’t think there’s anything that anyone can tell her that would make her go one way or the other. She’s just gotta work it out for herself. As is the case with most women in these situations.
Its one thing to be casually dating a guy and not knowing whether or not he’s dating other people. Maybe he is, maybe he isn’t, but ignorance is bliss. Its an entirely different thing to know exactly where he is, what he’s doing, and with whom he’s doing it when he’s not with you.
I know I can’t handle that. And like you said, I wouldn’t want that to come back on me in the future. Besides, would I really want to attach/commit myself to a man who would behave in such a way?
Damn good post.
vivrant thang said:
@ BGood – Yes, this woman is beyond gone. She’s delusional at this point and it will probably take something bad happening for it to finally be over.
I just never understood it but I’ve seen firsthand how it happens. I’ve seen the pain it causes when he has to split his time and of course the other woman is on the short end of that stick. It’s just not worth it. I try to stay non-judgemental about it though because everyone makes mistakes. It’s whether you learn from that mistake that’s key.
@ Don – Thanks!
Hi. This is my first time viewing your site and I must admit to being pleasantly surprised to see two of my favorite “other woman” songs being referenced. Nina read her for filth in that song.
Regarding the other woman, she always loses in the end. Either she is on the back burner and never gets that real quality time or first priority, or maybe she does eventually get the man, but what then? How can you ever really trust him? Anyone who will cheat with you will cheat on you.
I know just personally, it is hard enough to be in a relationship giving all that you’ve got and then discovering that you’ve unwittingly been made part of a love triangle. I’ve been in love once before and I found out that he was unfaithful emotionally at least and that just really broke my spirit, confidence and self-esteem down because I had totally invested myself in that relationship and I am still recovering from that.
I can’t imagine going into a relationship knowing that you are a second string player so to speak and have to sneak to be with or talk with someone. No matter what anyone says once you become intimate with someone and continue to do so on a regular basis, you are going to catch feelings. Why put yourself through that? I’m very selfish and don’t want to share anyone. I deserve better than that and would rather be by myself than be second best.
vivrant thang said:
Thank you so much for stopping by and I’m glad you found music you could relate to.
I agree with everything you’ve said and I pray that you recover fully from your heartbreak. Time truly does heal all wounds. But allow yourself to feel whatever emotions are there. I think I’ve made the mistake in the past of not giving myself permission to feel because I didn’t the the dude deserved the energy! But I had to learn it’s about me not carrying baggage into the next relationship. You can’t help who you love, only your actions.
Okay, Dr. Philomena is exiting stage left.
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This is my first time visiting your site. I do not even know how I got here but none the less here I am. I am 33 years old and i am single, never really wanted to get married, i do have a son who has been living with his father for the past year he is 15. But I am falling in love with a married man, he has never lied to me about being married. He tells me he loves me, and he treats me like he loves me. He has three kids at home, and he tells me that he is not in love with his wife although he does care about her. I know that this is a typical story for a married man, and I try to keep an open tab on reality, even going so far as to see other man and I let him know that i am open to date other man. He does not like it but what can he do about it? But the problem is that when I am out on a date (I mean with fine sucessful brothers from all walks of life) I find that I am thinking about him and I would rather be at home. I am not wanting this drama but how can I prevent it. I am a college educated woman, a teacher, i own my home, drive my own car and pay my own bills. I am attractive and still wear a size 5, but how can i stop this love for a married man.
vivrant thang said:
Thanks for stopping by and sharing this. I can’t say I have any hard and fast answers for you. It’s not as simple as telling you to just leave him alone. As I know from experience my family members, it doesn’t work like that.
You really have a lot going for you and you deserve to have your OWN man…one that is there for you and has no responsibilities to anyone but you. If you don’t want to get married, that’s fine. You don’t have to. However, don’t you want to have your own man and not someone that pledged his life to someone else?
Is this man there when you really need him? Is he there on the holidays? Is he there to hold you at night (all night) after a long day? No, no and no.
I wonder if this is the first married man you’ve been involved with? If he was upfront about this in the beginning, what was it that made you go along with it? Is this a pattern for you? If so, you may need to examine that either on your own or maybe with a therapist.
I could go on with this but bottom line, you are not going to leave him alone until you’re forced to. I know my girlfriend did seek therapy and found that she had a host of issues contributing to why she got involved with this man. Last I talked to her, she had left him alone.
So think about that and best of luck. I really can’t be of any more help because it’s not something I personally have experience in.
You did take it home for me!!!!
I do have some issues to address that may have led me to this situation. I was really hurt early in life by the only man I have ever loved (my sons father) ,until I met this married man.
I left my ex when I was only 22, Inspite that fact, Maybe this is the contribution, why I am maybe scared of giving my all to someone else. I believe that I will seek help. I never thought about this before!!!!!! WOW
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homewrecker :[ u suck
i don’t like that woman :[
Mrs. Porter said:
This whole thing is riduculous and I’m suprised someone hasn’t called this woman out! Everyone is feeling sorry for her. What about the mans wife?! None of us know the real story here and for all we know his wife is at home waiting paitently and all the while he’s screwing around on her. You think his wife would feel sorry for this other woman? NO! This woman needs to realize the pain that she is going through is self-inflicted. To mess with a married man, regarless of the situation or feelings involved, is going to merrit heartache! If she wants a man to love and love her in return she would do good to listen to this mans advice and leave him alone. Go find a single man and live life without all these secrets! I am appaled that so many people take marriage as nothing more than a word instead of the commitment and promise that it is. (I would also like to mention that she sounds completly desperate and that in itself speaks volumes about her.)
Hmm, as somebody once said to me “how can the other woman be expected to remember he is married, if the married man can’t
Listen to “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough” by Eagles Don Henley & Patty Smythe
It doesn’t get any more clearer than that….
I completely understand. Honestly, i fell in love with a man who wasn’t really married but was with the same girl for 4 years. I am honestly the complete opposite to her, in EVERY way, including looks… but yet, the man, he was there for me… even went so far as to start a fight with her to protect me when she came to his home early while i waited in the bedroom for her to leave his apartment… but i tell you.. it’s an experience i’m pretty sure NO ONE wants to be in.. but i loved him.., still do, but we’ll never be together, and despite the fact that he has been there to protect me and he “prefers my company” because i “make him happy and am who he calls when he wants to talk”… it just wasn’t enuff when he told me he loved me.
Anyone that comes to this page and is ‘the other woman’ needs to listen to Back To Black by Amy Winehouse.
Im listening to it, lying in the sheets that still smell of him, and crying my eyes out.
I won’t bother justifying our relationship to anyone. I love him, and hes not mine. Thats all you need to know.
“You go back to her, and I go back to black”
harga kamera canon terbaru said:
At this moment I am ready to do my breakfast, later than having my breakfast coming again to
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