Author Archives: Vivrant Thang

Your Mess

11 Tuesday Mar 2008

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by vivrant thang on makes me wanna holler

omar3.jpg 

This is your mess
This is your mess
You gotta clean up
This is your mess
This is your mess!

I had been writing this post in my head since last week. After hearing yesterday’s Strawberry Letter on the Steve Harvey Morning Show, I knew that for some reason I needed to hurry and get this post out of my head and into this space. I don’t believe in coincidences.

Here’s the letter:

Good day Mr Harvey and crews. I am a 37 year old woman with 2 daughters, age 14 and 12. I got married when I was 22 years old. In 2005 my husband told me that he was going on vacation with his friends. I suspected that he was lying and went to the airport on his way back and surely he was with another woman. I kicked him out of the bedroom and few days later my parents advised me that to speak to him about therapy which i did. He said to me that he wanted a divorce and he will be moving out of the house in March 2005. He is still in the houseand claimed that he can not afford an apartment and child support at the same time. we don’t have any relationship as husband and wife since 2005 he stays in a spare room in the house. I have met a gentleman this past summer. I explained the situation to him and that he is in the house because we own a house together and for the children. My question to you is this gentleman going to take me seriously or not? I have not giving away the cookie because I really don’t know how he sees me. I must tell you I am self sufficient and don’t need my husband financial support to survive. Please help.

This letter struck a chord with me because I’ve been reflecting on a conversation I had a few weeks ago with a female associate we’ll call Erica. She called me, practically bubbling over about this new guy she met a few months ago.  Things were going great and they were already dating regularly, heading towards commitment.

My side-eye started twitching up a storm as she ran her mouth about how good this man was to her and for her. Is Vivrant Thang a hater? Nope. Erica has not one, but two exes still very involved in her life and she encourages their behavior. One feels entitled to pop up at the crib or at her job whenever the mood strikes. The other calls incessantly and actually dumped a girl he was seeing because she had the nerve to get upset about his and Erica’s constant phone conversations. Yes, he would call  just to “check in” while they were together. Erica encouraged him to get rid of her, saying she should always come first since they have history.

As I said, she does nothing to discourage their behavior. When she doesn’t want to be bothered,  she’ll ignore their calls or pretends she’s not home.  Even with this new dude in the picture, she has no plans to tell either of them to beat it. She revels in the fact that they won’t leave her alone and considers them to be just friends.

I think she loves the potential for drama, although surprisingly nothing has ever popped off. It’s like she’s the master puppet and can pull the strings at will to make them both dance or sit in the corner quietly.

My conversation with her got me thinking again about people that court drama and mess. If that’s the way they like to live their lives, fine. However, my issue comes in when you bring someone else into your life knowing it’s messy. Clean your house before you invite somebody in!

Whenever I meet a man, within the first few conversations, I let him know that I live a quiet life. I have absolutely no drama and I expect the same. I can walk into my quiet building every night without looking over my shoulder. No one is blowing my phone up or banging on my door. I’m too old.

So if he got stalkers, baby momma drama, or any other mess going on in his life, get it cleaned up before we get anything started.  How could I take a man seriously if he has no control over his life and has a bunch of mess going on?

As for the Strawberry Letter, does she really think the man is going to take the relationship seriously if her ex is still living there? If she’s so self-sufficient, there is no need for him to be there. What real benefit is it to the kids to have two parents in the same house leading separate lives? Absolutely none – and she knows it. It’s all about her insane need to have him there for whatever reason. If she really wanted him gone and out of her life, she would have found a way after three years. She is content to live in her mess and wants to bring this new man into it. Does she really think it’s going to be smooth sailing when she’s dating and her husband sees her with this man? What’s good for the goose is never good for the gander.

I know sometimes there are things beyond a person’s control – drama they don’t encourage or want. It just shows up on their doorstep. I’m not talking about those few folks. However, most people that have a lot of havoc in their lives are doing something, consciously or unconsciously, to court it. All I’m saying is think carefully about taking some time to do some spring cleaning before you invite somebody over. Or you may find yourself with more mess than you can handle.

Music Therapy: Stocking Up On The Soul

06 Thursday Mar 2008

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Just returned from the Emily King and Peter Hadar show. I must admit I’ve been sleeping on both of these artists, even though Emily was nominated for a Grammy. She just wasn’t on my radar. That all changed tonight. I’ll have a full review and photos as soon as I get my technical difficulties cleared up. *

I was glad this show was tonight as I needed some music therapy to help me recover from the Super Tuesday results and all that blather about Hil’s comeback. Whatever. Again, I can’t entertain that or I’ll be ready to pull the Goose out the freezer.

Enough political talk.

As I mentioned last week, I was in a funk and what better way to recover than a little musical retail therapy. I decided to make a dent in my to-purchase list. Never mind that I need to book a plane ticket to Barbados. Maybe that’s a bad example. Ok, never mind the car insurance is due. Or that I got a hefty dental bill for some shit I shouldn’t have to pay for. (That’s another rant). Or that I need to purchase a new 750G hard drive for video storage so I can keep sharing the love.

Forget all this. I needed some new flava in my ears.

I hit up CD Depot to dig through their crates. For those outside the area, they specialize in carrying rare and out-of-print albums. Current stuff as well. I didn’t find what I was looking for, but of course I couldn’t leave empty-handed. Replaced my lost/stolen copies of Maxwell’s Urban Hang Suite, Mint Condition’s From the Mint Factory, and Tony! Toni, Tone’s The Revival. I also snatched up the last copy of Hil St Soul’s Copasetik & Cool.

Still needed more.

I poured over my want lists on Amazon and Dusty Grooves and here’s what I have on the way.

albums.jpg

When I arrived home tonight, I was pleased to discover the Nicolay’s Here had already arrived.  I’m giddy with excitement as I’ve really been getting into producers lately. I racked up on Dilla a few months back and have really been feeling Nicolay and 9th Wonder as of late.

I still got so far to go as I discover more good stuff almost daily. Nova’s soulful house mix is pure fire. If you’re not moving the minute you press play, something is wrong with you! Had people giving me the side eye on the Metro. Got me all in love with house again and even more hyped to see Tortured Soul at the end of the month. Just discovering them as well.

Industry Soul  hipped me to Afta 1 and Marie Tweek. Got to get them into my life.

Emily King is on my list as well. Should be on yours too.

So what’s making your IPOD smile these days?

*Video from the Omar, Fertile Ground and Yazarah show is forthcoming as well.

Brotha

04 Tuesday Mar 2008

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by vivrant thang on whatta man

angiestone.jpg

Goin’ through thick and thin, brothas you gonna win
I’m so proud of you
Whenever you’re facin’ doubt, brotha’s gon’ work it out
I’m so proud of you
I got unshakable faith in ya

I’m sure many of you have seen these two clips of Derrick Ashong, a truly informed and passionate Obama supporter who was “interviewed” outside of the Los Angeles debates last month. The journalist approached and asked him why he was an Obama supporter. Of course he assumed that Derrick would say, “I’oun know. Cause he colored like me.” He wasn’t prepared for this.

Because a black man can’t simply be intelligent, well-read, and well-informed, he was accused of being a plant. So he was moved to post a response video that was even more inspiring than the first. I know someone in Obama’s camp has shown him this. This brotha should be somewhere on your team, Mr. President.

Although these videos have been posted since early last month, I have received them several times just this past week. I’m excited they have become such a viral sensation. Derrick is inspiring in so many ways, particularly with his immense gratitude for the very opportunity to have a voice in this political process. Watching him speak so fluently on Obama’s platform, as if he had a hand in developing it, has me back to studying the official website so I can be even more informed. I hope he inspires others to do that as well.

These video also made me realize how much I admire a man that has above average intelligence and is passionate about something (besides sports). I’ve always been drawn to men that are intelligent, perhaps even smarter than me. Or I should say stronger in areas where my knowledge may be lacking. I have a good male friend that I’ve known for years who I could ask about most any subject and he will be able to give me a mini-dissertation on it. It’s not even that he is that well-read or that he has an advanced degree. He just knows things and I always find myself impressed by the breadth of his knowledge. I may come off as worldly, (or maybe I don’t!) but there’s a lot I don’t know. Sure I can look it up – and I do when I have to.  But nothing wrong with having a beautiful brown brotha break it down so it can forever and consistently be broke.

PMS

29 Friday Feb 2008

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by vivrant thang on all about me

marynodrama.jpg

Understand what I’m sayin tonight
Understand where I’m comin from
Feelin really bitch yeah
And I don’t feel like be a nice to nobody
Don’t feel like smilin no
See I already know that I’m talkin
PMS

Now, now fellas don’t be scared off! I won’t be going into detail!

Anyhow, this has been a bit of a rough week. It’s hard getting adjusted to a new job after being at your old one for six years. Not to mention this job is 1000 times more busy and involved than my last one and it’s only going to get more hectic as the political season heats up. The benefits are so beyond anything I could have hoped and prayed for and the work is so important that I actually feel a responsibility (and pressure!) to get up to speed and perform way beyond expectations. Keep a reformed reforming slacker like me in your prayers.

To compound things, I am battling those three dreaded letters something awful! My emotions have run the gamut from:

  • Being driven to tears at the ending of the penultimate episode of “The Wire.”
  • Wanting to slap the beejezus out of Hillary for her continued antics. March 4th can’t come quick enough.
  • Wishing I could personally string Bobby Cutts up by his balls. 57 years isn’t enough for this animal.
  • Being driven to tears (yes, again) at the week 5 Jake/Amy episode of In Treatment
  • Extreme frustration at folks who don’t like New AmErykah – as if folks aren’t entitled to an opinion
  • Deep sadness over the news that one of my friends is leaving the area for a while for a job opportunity; instead of being happy for him, I’m more concerned with the effect his leaving will have on my life.
  • More frustration at this ridiculous inquiry into steroid use in sports. Um, can we focus on the fact that this country is going to shit and despite what Lil Bush says, we are headed for a recession. Hell, we’re essentially already there.
  • Pissed off to the highest level of pissivity that I won’t be watching the final episode of “The Wire” a week ahead
  • Major irritation at a commenter on my Top 50 R&B/Soul songs post who stated that it’s incomplete without any Aretha. Me thinks I came across a little…tight…in my response. (Sorry!) However, it’s still MY list, not the list.

Yes indeed, a lot of things got under my skin this week that probably would have rolled off my back on any other week. Thank goodness it’s coming to an end and I’ll be hitting happy hour after a long day on Friday to get my mind right over a martini or two.

There were some things that cheered me up this week:

  • Du Day over at Soul Bounce was the ish! Queen Butta, Ill Mami, and Harlem represented lovely for EBadu. I hope she peeped it.
  • Soul Music Super Tuesday. I was about to add four albums to my list to purchase when a kind soul from another hot music site hit me up offering to send copies of New AmErykah and Lizz Wright’s The Orchard. Totally out of the blue. He truly made my week.
  • I also attribute my blues to the fact that I’m having live music withdrawal. I haven’t been to a show in three weeks! No worries, that’s all about to change. Here’s the line-up for the coming months:
      • Jilly IN Philly
      • Dwele
      • Lizz Wright
      • Sy Smith
      • Alice Smith
      • Amel Larrieux
      • Amp Fiddler w/Tortured Soul & Fertile Ground
  • Capitol Jazz Fest coming in June. Line up is ridiculous!
    • Average White Band
    • Boney James
    • Ledisi
    • Erro!
    • Frank McComb
    • The Jazzy Soul Collective (w/Vikter Duplaix and Gordon Chambers)
    • Howard Hewett (If he sings Once, Twice, Three Times, I’m DONE)
    • Wayman Tisdale
    • Down To The Bone

I feel better already.

Baggage

25 Monday Feb 2008

Posted by in Feeding The Music Jones

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by vivrant thang on all about me

mary31.jpg

I got this baggage with me
Don’t wanna make you pay for what somebody else has done to me
I don’t know what to do
With all this baggage in me
Everytime I hurt your feelings it’s what someones done to me
I don’t mean to hurt you

A post I did late last year, Other Woman, continues to be one of the most popular. Recently, I got a new comment from a woman named Lisa.

I am 33 years old and i am single, never really wanted to get married, i do have a son who has been living with his father for the past year he is 15. But I am falling in love with a married man, he has never lied to me about being married. He tells me he loves me, and he treats me like he loves me. He has three kids at home, and he tells me that he is not in love with his wife although he does care about her. I know that this is a typical story for a married man, and I try to keep an open tab on reality, even going so far as to see other man and I let him know that i am open to date other man. He does not like it but what can he do about it? But the problem is that when I am out on a date (I mean with fine sucessful brothers from all walks of life) I find that I am thinking about him and I would rather be at home. I am not wanting this drama but how can I prevent it. I am a college educated woman, a teacher, i own my home, drive my own car and pay my own bills. I am attractive and still wear a size 5, but how can i stop this love for a married man.

When I started to respond, as I do with all posts, I had no idea what I was going to say. I certainly have no experience in this area and there are no easy answers to this situation. This is also not a judgemental space so I wanted to be very careful with my response.

Here’s what came pouring out:

Thanks for stopping by and sharing this. I can’t say I have any hard and fast answers for you. It’s not as simple as telling you to just leave him alone. As I know from experience with my family members, it doesn’t work like that. You really have a lot going for you and you deserve to have your OWN man…one that is there for you and has no responsibilities to anyone but you. If you don’t want to get married, that’s fine. You don’t have to. However, don’t you want to have your own man and not someone that pledged his life to someone else?Is this man there when you really need him? Is he there on the holidays? Is he there to hold you at night (all night) after a long day? No, no and no. I wonder if this is the first married man you’ve been involved with? If he was upfront about this in the beginning, what was it that made you go along with it? Is this a pattern for you? If so, you may need to examine that either on your own or maybe with a therapist.

I could go on with this but bottom line, you are not going to leave him alone until you’re forced to. I know my girlfriend did seek therapy and found that she had a host of issues contributing to why she got involved with this man. Last I talked to her, she had left him alone.

So think about that and best of luck. I really can’t be of any more help because it’s not something I personally have experience in.

This is how she responded:

Thanks, You did take it home for me!!!! I do have some issues to address that may have led me to this situation. I was really hurt early in life by the only man I have ever loved (my sons father) ,until I met this married man. I left my ex when I was only 22, Inspite that fact, Maybe this is the contribution, why I am maybe scared of giving my all to someone else. I believe that I will seek help. I never thought about this before!!!!!! WOW
This exchange is the perfect entry for me to talk about something I mentioned in passing a couple of posts back and promised to return to.

Currently, I am “in treatment.” This is my second time seeing a therapist, the first being after I lost the weight because it was advised as part of the process of adjusting to literally being half the woman I used to be. Just because I lost the weight doesn’t mean I lost the issues that got me to that size.

[Aside: No one that is morbidly obese got that way without an issue or ten. That’s a fact.]

But I digress.

Anyhow, with the first therapist, I didn’t have an understanding of what therapy was. I was expecting…I still don’t know what I was expecting. However, I didn’t feel as if it was helping so I decided to quit. That was over a year ago.

My five-year plan encompasses all aspects of my life, including relationships and personal development. This year, one of my goals was to get back into therapy and deal with my shit. I guess I’m fortunate because I know exactly what that shit is. I am a very introspective person. I stand back and look at myself a lot. I also am very aware of how my past issues and things that happened to me during my formative years have directly affected my behavior today.

I think about my relationships with my parents, namely my fathers, and how that has created a lot of the baggage I carry with me into my romantic relationships. I tend to attract men that are damaged in some way. Like attracts like and hurt people hurt people. So it’s no surprise that both of my serious relationships have ended badly, with both parties being hurt. I can’t fix them. I can only fix me. I have to end the cycle.

2008 is the year I decided it’s high time to let the baggage go. It’s only going to get heavier. Besides, I much prefer to carry a cute little clutch. Makes it easier to sashay in my stilettos heels. (I gotta keep it real!)

I’m sharing all of this because Lisa’s comment highlighted the fact that there may be people out there that haven’t considered therapy as an option. There can be such a stigma attached to it. My mother is skeptical. She thinks I just need to go to church. While I agree that I need to work on my spirituality (also a part of my five-year plan), I also see nothing wrong with also talking to an unbiased professional who is trained to help people make connections and work through issues. There’s nothing weak about admitting you can’t do it by yourself. It doesn’t mean you’re crazyderanged. It just means you want to see some changes in your life and you realize you can’t make them alone.

I really hope this speaks to someone. There’s several people I know who would greatly benefit from therapy and I have gently suggested it. However, it’s a very personal decision and not an easy one to make. I can only share my story…and Lisa’s, and hope it helps in some small way.

I found my therapist by referral, which I think is the best way. However, there are a couple of sites to check out to find one near you.

American Psychological Association
American Mental Health Counselors Association

If you’re like me and have some kind of strange need to have all of your doctors be black, check out the Association of Black Psychologists site.

If you’re not going by referral, grill them as you would any other new professional. They are only caring for your mind.