This may sound silly but it’s true
So don’t pretend it ain’t you too
We all afraid of something here
Cause you ain’t human without fear
I’m scared to try cause I’m scared to fail….
Truer words have never been spoken. When I think back on my twenties, one of the few regrets that I have is that I spent so much time not pursuing opportunities that were presented to me. Although I’m currently in a fairly good place (when that devil procrastination isn’t holding me back), I can’t help but wonder on occasion what could have been if I hadn’t let fear stand in my way.
Now that I’m in my thirties, I’ve never been more aware that time’s a wastin. Each month as I write down goals towards the fulfillment of my five-year-plan, I start off with my new mantra, “Everything I’ve been looking for now finds me.” (I stole it.)
Seem silly? Read on.
I have to admit that although I hold a MA in English from U of Maryland, I never really considered myself an academic, which is one of the main reasons I didn’t go on to the Ph.D. level. I write too much in “everyday speak” for that. So when I was presented with the opportunity to write a review of the latest release from one of my favorite authors, I was very intimidated. Mosaic’s book reviews tend to be very literary and written by very accomplished writers, authors and academics.
However, my five-year plan will not allow for that kind of thinking. I’m supposed to be getting my side hustle on. Not to mention, how in the world do I expect to attract a man who will ride or die, believing I can do any and everything I put my mind to, if it doesn’t start right here.
So I jumped off the ledge and wrote it. Because I’m me, I sent it on to the editor with a ton of disclaimers, essentially letting her know that she could tear it apart as she wished. I wouldn’t be offended by her red pen.
She loved it. A month ago, I received my check in the mail for my first published article. A few days later, I got my copies in the mail. I saw my name in “lights” right next to a review for Conception by Kalisha Buckhanon (great book for you readers out there.)
Need more evidence?
*This opportunity didn’t work out for various reasons. I wrote this a few weeks ago in anticipation of my debut. I decided to proceed with posting it because I think the message is still an important one. I hope it’s right on time for somebody.*
For a few weeks, I’ve been alluding to a new project I’m undertaking that will be good for me as a writer and good for the exposure of this blog. Well today, I made my debut as XXX weekly music blogger. It’s an urban entertainment and lifestyle website based out of XXX with over 300K page views per month. I’ll be doing a lot of cross-posting so you shouldn’t miss anything. I also expect to be doing some album reviews over there as well that will be exclusive to the site. I’ll let you know though so you can check me out.
I didn’t seek this opportunity out. It came to me. I had second and third and fourth thoughts. It’s one thing to write for an intimate audience of 500-600 a day, but tens of thousands of people?
There goes that fear whispering in my ear again. What is it fear of?
Fear that I might actually be great?
SONGS IN THE KEY OF LIFE 
I understand how you feel totally. I live in the town where I went to college because I didn’t get a job anywhere else, and now I’m afraid to go anywhere else. Although this place is extremely boring and I don’t think I’m really moving forward, I’m scared of the unknown. Where will I go? How will I take care of myself? I don’t know… my twenties are ending and I’m worried…
Man!!! I SO KNOW how you feel. I’m STILL IN MY 20’s and find that I often use it as an excuse. MOSAIC?!!!! AWESOME!!!!!
I’ve been given the opprotunity to write for a few lesser known publications…Even though they are VIbe, or Mosaic for that matter…I often belittle myself and my talents…my ability. A good friend reminded me today that I AM ABLE. I AM WORTHY. I CAN DO IT! She did it in the form of a good cursing out…so if you need that let a sista know..I’d be happy to oblige.
But in MY mind…YOU are where I want to be:
M.F.A. ( i know urs is an M.A.)
Blog visited by several hundred daily
insightful, relevant, well-written posts.
Publication in literary journals
guest blog spots on authentic sites
TRAVEL
exposure to wonderful artists
GIRL! Keep it up…cause those still in our twenties are looking to you…and taking inspiration from what you do!
CONGRATULATIONS again!!!
I meant ARE NOT VIbe or mosaic…
Ms. Vivrant, this post drove me out of Lurker’s Lake! Congratulations to you for getting published! I have been reading your blog for some time now, and I just love your views on music. We have a lot of similar tastes. I just finished reading Conception several weeks ago. Although it was a small book, it was not a quick read for me because I was extra-sensitive to the storyline. I will definitely check out your review of the book in a few. So glad that my library has an online subscription to Mosaic.
There’s nothing like stepping out on faith. In my life I have just had to throw up my arms sometimes, step off of that cliff, and pray for the best. Jaz’s song “Fear” is as real as it gets. We all have to deal with it at some point. Wishing the best to you.
CONGRATS on your first published article!!!! I am SOOO happy for you!!! You know, I think it is okay to be a little scared when new opportunities are presented. It is only a problem when those fears hold you back (at least that is what I am telling myself since I seem to be a little scared about starting my new job in ATL although I’ve been trying to get back there for years). Anyway I know that the future has GREAT things in store for you!!!!! Keep up the good work and keep up the courage to pursue your dreams!
Congratulations lady! Mosaic is an amazing publication. I’m so happy for you. I think it takes a good dose of validation to be able to keep moving toward your free place with confidence. As a control freak, it’s always been hard for me to live life without all the answers. But this past year I’ve really been striving to live with more abandon, to jump off the cliff and build my wings on the way down. And what I’ve found is that the more “wins” I get, the easier it is for me to put myself out there the next time. It’s like shiiiit, even if I DO fail, I got all these other fabulous accomplishments behind me and I’ll just keep it moving. Your experience reminds me again of my random Hawaii inspiration to walk by faith, not by sight. Like Madea would say, the devil is a LIAR 🙂
Viv,
Way to go with the review!!! Major congrats!!
Fear can be a driving force forward, or can hold you back in a major way … it all depends on whether you have enough bfaith in yourself to go for it! Im sure this is the first of many published articles for you, your writing style is what the vast majority of people want – straightforward, humorous, honest and friendly. It’s all well being academic, serious and writing ‘proper’, but sometimes it just ends up plain boring!
PS make sure you dont abandon us in favour of ‘proper’, ‘serious’ writing though! I dont wanna have to plough through book reviews to get my fix LOL.
Congrats on your publish-ment!
Let that fear motivate you…turn it around and kick it in the be-hind, Viv!
You can do it! Your writing is way too good for you not to make it!!!
*sheepishly looking around*
I am SO sorry…. what you wrote about fear hit home so much that I completely forgot my home training….
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
CONGRATS DIVA!!
I am very proud of you!!! Just when I was about to tell you – DON’T MAKE ME COME TO DC AND LET YOU HAVE IT!!..lol
I understand how fear can hold you back, it held me back in college. I knew then what I wanted to pursue, yet I still managed to take another route which took me away from my dream – for the time being. 🙂 I am in my 30’s now and realized that there is no time like the present to do what we have to do. Do you bebe! Again, congrats and I just might pick up a copy of that book!
Fear is my middle name. But this year, it’s been ignored quite a bit and it’ll be gone sooner rather than later.
Oh, and congratulations. 🙂
First, thanks to everyone for your well wishes and inspirational words.
@Sabrina – One of the best things I ever did for myself was leave home at 17. I’ve never been back. I would not be where I am today if I had never left Jersey. I hope you find the answers. I think your 30s will bring you some clarity. Mines are.
@crys – I stole the mantra from you so don’t you come in here talmbout you ain’t the ish! When you lay all my stuff out like that, makes me pop my collar. Keep pushing hon.
@tiff – *waving* I’m coming down there in Nov. I’m going to hit you up soon. Thanks for stopping in and your too kind words 🙂
@Ro – The inspiration for this post. You’se a badmamajama! I look up to you and I’m 5’8 to your 5’3 🙂
@Soul UK – You don’t have to worry about that! One day this will be the main gig and that other stuff will be the side hustle!
@Marvalus – Means a lot coming from you sis. Thanks a million. *putting on my kick ass shoes*
@ amc – *hugs* I can’t wait until we meet 🙂
@ph – Keep kicking that fear all up in the ass!
@bunniecakes – WELCOME! And thank you for coming out of lurkmode. That’s when I know I’ve written a good post 🙂 Please come out and play more often 🙂
WOW, am I reading about myself. I am still in my early 20s and my I am wasting so much time and missing opportunities. Thank you for writing this. I don’t want to look up and reflect only upon my missed opportunites.
So so so so true… its crazy how every song on Jazmine’s album is something you can relate to.. especially this song though… it shows that your human… its shows vulnerabilty… even the most confident of people have fears. Its important to realize them, because then you can work on not letting them hold you back.
Outstanding and good on you! Glad the fear didn’t hold you back. 😉
Oh my god! Are you in my head or something? Okay so hmmm where to begin? First of all, thanks for posting this because I’ve been having writer’s block lately with my blog but your words speak what I’ve been trying to write. Secondly, I was listening to that Jasmine Sullivan song last night and I was in tears cause it spoke so much to me and it’s so weird that you’ve referenced this song to explain your point. I’ve got that fear speaking to me to the point where I get complacent in my position. Stuck in a caged like place. I am not sure how to explain but I feel like I am holding so much back because like you said, I’m afraid of my greatness? Hmm… this may lead to a good blog for myself. Thanks for posting again. I had to tell my mom about this blog cause I was just telling her how I sometimes feel my degree in English was useless cause I’m not that “academic” as you put it. I’m more of a casual writer too. So glad I’m not the only one. This is like a sigh of relief for me.
Hello,
I have been moved by your words, enthralled by the discovery of new music. This post regarding Fear is a timeless message. Thank you for writing. Thanks to all who posted comments. My comments below are long, hope you don’t mind.
When I was in my 20s by boyfriend proposed marriage. I was terrified that I would be sucked into a vacuum, that my life would change away from my passion for singing, for designing clothes, for performing…for opportunities to pursue my goals and dreams. I told him all of it. It was my last year of college, I was already performing, I was going to move to LA and be brave and “seek my fortune” as they say in fables.
He surprised me. He made a serious promise that if I married him he would never stop me from doing any of those things that I wanted to do. Understand that it was the late 1970s, both of us coming from a traditional, white, devout religious culture. It was a very large gift that he was promising me.
I took the step of faith, we married. We had 6 children. Life and relationships were rocky, there were tragedies, our marriage has never been perfectly “functional”…and through it all he kept that promise to me.
All these years I did my best to follow my dreams and balance life and children. (BTW, all of them turned out to be gifted musicians and good people.) I have realized that the biggest stumbling block for me didn’t turn out to be society or economics or relationships–my biggest effort has been in confronting my personal Fear and the whispering, sometimes shouting, voices in my head.
Four years ago, still a performing singer, I had thyroid surgery. Post-surgery I was astounded to be told that one of my vocal chords had become damaged and was permanently paralyzed, and I would never sing again.
I wasn’t able to talk except whispery, breathy words. I was sucked into the vacuum of my own fear and depression and self-examination…who was I without music?
Now, years later there have been medical assistance and miraculous events and I am singing, still with a paralyzed vocal chord. Daily I battle my Fear, learning how to sing again, trying to be “age-less”, the unconventional dreams still in my heart. When I was in my 20s I always envisioned that “someday” I was going to do XXX (imagine the list). Now in my 50s I see that I have no more “Somedays”. I need to push through my fear and Do it now. Thank-you for your powerful words. It’s helpful to connect with the strength of you all.