Tag Archives: men and relationships

Change For Me?

20 Wednesday Aug 2008

Posted by in Feeding The Music Jones

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by  vivrant thang on relationships

I had another post on tap but I got something I just have to get off my chest. Not sure why but bear with me.

Recently, I caught up with a friend I hadn’t seen or talked to in a while. Thankfully social media has enabled us to keep up with the haps in each others lives. So as soon as we sat down for dinner, I couldn’t wait to start grilling her.

“What is the story behind you and ole boy breaking up to make up…to break up?”

In a span of about three months or so, her Myspace/Facebook status message has gone from “In A Relationship” to “Single” then back to “In A Relationship” to now “Single.” I was amused when I saw this because I knew exactly what was happening.

You’ve probably seen those commercials for Restless Leg Syndrome? Well she has Restless Coochie Syndrome. Don’t think they’ve come up with meds for this one yet though. When she first met this dude almost a year ago, she told him straight up that she had never been faithful to any of the men she’s ever been involved with or even engaged to. Never. Not one time.  She told him she didn’t even really even understand monogamy. Doesn’t think it’s natural. She put all her cards on the table from the beginning. She didn’t send her representative. He heard her clearly and didn’t particularly like it. But he – say it with me – thought he could change her. A grown ass 29 year-old man thought he was the one that would finally cure the syndrome. He was so great that this this 25-year old woman, who by her own admission has been pimping since she was a tween, settle down ’til death do they part. Keep in mind she has no desire to change.

Even after the first breakup when he discovered she had been stepping out and made her choose, she tried to convince him that an open relationship could work. I wonder if she illustrated her point by using Ruby and Ossie or Jada and Will? Of course he wasn’t with that and told her that she had to make a choice. At the end of the day, she loved cared deeply for him and didn’t want to lose him. So she kicked whoever she was seeing to the curve and settled back into pseudo-marital bliss.

Then the syndrome flared up again.

This time he resorted to reading her e-mails and found what he was looking for. Now he’s sitting up in his room like Brandy crying and blasting “A House Is Not a Home” and “Cause I Love You.” Pitiful. Did I mention they live together? So this is what she has to come home to every night. No wonder she resurfaced after all this time.

Do I sound callous? I guess I am. He blames her but I told her not to accept that. I remember at the beginning of the relationship when she told me she let him know from day one that she had the syndrome and he still went along with it, I said back then, “Well he deserves whatever he gets.” I still believe that. Apparently, he had intentions of wiving her from the beginning. He went in with that attitude. Somewhere during the course of this relationship, he even brought her a “promise ring.” Why proceed in that manner if someone basically tells you from jump, “I am going to cheat on you and break your heart.”

Because…say it with me, “He thought he could change her.”

Negro please.

Viv, cut the boy some slack!

Okay, I got sympathy for anyone that ends up in heartbreak hotel. You can’t take nothing for that kind of pain. But he has nobody to blame for this but himself. It’s a cold, hard lesson to learn but an important one that I got early. When someone shows you (or tells you!) who they are, you better listen up! Do not think for a second that you can change someone who likes themselves just the way they are.

Whether I respect the way someone lives his life is immaterial. I appreciate when a person is upfront and able to tell me exactly what I am getting myself into. In my last relationship, my ex was so fucked up that he couldn’t tell me who he really was. I was able to read between the lines and see how he was emotionally damaged. But I always knew I couldn’t be the one to change him.

Same goes for a person’s belief system and moral values. I have never judged my friend for what she believes. In many ways, I understand it. Although I could never live that way, I respect her for knowing who she is and telling it up front – whether it’s right or wrong. However, it would seem to be common sense that if your beliefs and morals values don’t line up with a potential, you gotta let it go. Chalk it up as another love tko. You don’t cover up the differences with a promise ring and hope they magically disappear.

Don’t know why this got me so riled up. But I’d love to know what you think. Am I being too hard on the dude? Am I completely off base? Does love make things happen?

Your Mess

11 Tuesday Mar 2008

Posted by in Feeding The Music Jones

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by vivrant thang on makes me wanna holler

omar3.jpg 

This is your mess
This is your mess
You gotta clean up
This is your mess
This is your mess!

I had been writing this post in my head since last week. After hearing yesterday’s Strawberry Letter on the Steve Harvey Morning Show, I knew that for some reason I needed to hurry and get this post out of my head and into this space. I don’t believe in coincidences.

Here’s the letter:

Good day Mr Harvey and crews. I am a 37 year old woman with 2 daughters, age 14 and 12. I got married when I was 22 years old. In 2005 my husband told me that he was going on vacation with his friends. I suspected that he was lying and went to the airport on his way back and surely he was with another woman. I kicked him out of the bedroom and few days later my parents advised me that to speak to him about therapy which i did. He said to me that he wanted a divorce and he will be moving out of the house in March 2005. He is still in the houseand claimed that he can not afford an apartment and child support at the same time. we don’t have any relationship as husband and wife since 2005 he stays in a spare room in the house. I have met a gentleman this past summer. I explained the situation to him and that he is in the house because we own a house together and for the children. My question to you is this gentleman going to take me seriously or not? I have not giving away the cookie because I really don’t know how he sees me. I must tell you I am self sufficient and don’t need my husband financial support to survive. Please help.

This letter struck a chord with me because I’ve been reflecting on a conversation I had a few weeks ago with a female associate we’ll call Erica. She called me, practically bubbling over about this new guy she met a few months ago.  Things were going great and they were already dating regularly, heading towards commitment.

My side-eye started twitching up a storm as she ran her mouth about how good this man was to her and for her. Is Vivrant Thang a hater? Nope. Erica has not one, but two exes still very involved in her life and she encourages their behavior. One feels entitled to pop up at the crib or at her job whenever the mood strikes. The other calls incessantly and actually dumped a girl he was seeing because she had the nerve to get upset about his and Erica’s constant phone conversations. Yes, he would call  just to “check in” while they were together. Erica encouraged him to get rid of her, saying she should always come first since they have history.

As I said, she does nothing to discourage their behavior. When she doesn’t want to be bothered,  she’ll ignore their calls or pretends she’s not home.  Even with this new dude in the picture, she has no plans to tell either of them to beat it. She revels in the fact that they won’t leave her alone and considers them to be just friends.

I think she loves the potential for drama, although surprisingly nothing has ever popped off. It’s like she’s the master puppet and can pull the strings at will to make them both dance or sit in the corner quietly.

My conversation with her got me thinking again about people that court drama and mess. If that’s the way they like to live their lives, fine. However, my issue comes in when you bring someone else into your life knowing it’s messy. Clean your house before you invite somebody in!

Whenever I meet a man, within the first few conversations, I let him know that I live a quiet life. I have absolutely no drama and I expect the same. I can walk into my quiet building every night without looking over my shoulder. No one is blowing my phone up or banging on my door. I’m too old.

So if he got stalkers, baby momma drama, or any other mess going on in his life, get it cleaned up before we get anything started.  How could I take a man seriously if he has no control over his life and has a bunch of mess going on?

As for the Strawberry Letter, does she really think the man is going to take the relationship seriously if her ex is still living there? If she’s so self-sufficient, there is no need for him to be there. What real benefit is it to the kids to have two parents in the same house leading separate lives? Absolutely none – and she knows it. It’s all about her insane need to have him there for whatever reason. If she really wanted him gone and out of her life, she would have found a way after three years. She is content to live in her mess and wants to bring this new man into it. Does she really think it’s going to be smooth sailing when she’s dating and her husband sees her with this man? What’s good for the goose is never good for the gander.

I know sometimes there are things beyond a person’s control – drama they don’t encourage or want. It just shows up on their doorstep. I’m not talking about those few folks. However, most people that have a lot of havoc in their lives are doing something, consciously or unconsciously, to court it. All I’m saying is think carefully about taking some time to do some spring cleaning before you invite somebody over. Or you may find yourself with more mess than you can handle.